


Accidental Bodyguard

by Cysteine



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Bodyguard Romance, F/F, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-23 07:50:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cysteine/pseuds/Cysteine
Summary: Writing Prompt:One Day, you lose your wallet, and it is found by a mob boss, who figures out you're not in a good place financially and takes pity on you. They start anonymously sending you cash, clothes, furniture, and eventually a letter with a key to a house. What do you do?My twist.....it's also going to be a safe house for the mob boss' kid and now you might also want to pack some heat... and figure out if they are flirting with you or just being nice.





	1. EPISODE ONE: The Great Expectations Treatment

**Author's Note:**

> This is being written like a TV Script, and inspired from "Hitman's Bodyguard".
> 
> Laura will be the fighter instead of Carmilla. 
> 
> NOT part of the FFEU, and in this story I'll explore the seedy world of prostitution with an emphasis on why it needs to be made legal and safe.

**Act One** : the webcam shows a coiffed, confident, power-suited Laura Hollis in an opulent home, the room being a study-turned-crime fighter HQ, complete with crime board and various mugshots with “APPREHENDED” stickers on them. They are arranged in an organizational structure, with missing photos near the top and only the vague nickname “Big Boss” for the one on top. In bold letters was “Massage Parlor Raid Tonight” with an arrow pointing to the criminal kingpin.

LAURA: Personal Vlog of Laura Hollis, Reporter extraordinaire. After weeks of getting published in Silas’ local paper cataloging the anonymous tips taking down organized crime, I have an exclusive that’s going to get me a byline in _Styria Today_!

DANNY (offscreen): You vlogging, baby?

(picture-in-picture cuts in to see Danny Lawrence in a skimpy workout outfit, a sports bra and matching shorts as she is in the middle of a gym designed for parkour and krav maga. The tall redhead does a few arm stretches as Laura purrs at the sight of her wife)

LAURA: You know me; I document everything. And you should save some energy for tonight’s raid. Last thing you want to be is the INTERPOL agent lagging behind because you ran out of energy.

(Laura crinkles her nose in a flirtatious manner as Danny disappears from the in-home gym camera and runs into Laura’s office, wrapping her arms around the tiny gay.)

LAURA: Oh god, Danny, you’re all sweaty!

(Laura pretends to dislike the affection, but giggles and relents, kissing Danny passionately. Laura leans back into the kiss, falling off of her stool and taking Danny down with her. The laughing off-camera dies off as the sounds of kissing and panting get more pronounced.)

LAURA: Danny, my laptop is still recording. So unless you’re intent is to make a dirty movie-

DANNY: (Flirty tone) Well, we already did one for our first wedding anniversary…

LAURA: (Laughing) Total accident! How many times do I have to tell you that, wife?

DANNY: At least one more time. Because your magic fingers make me forget everything in the moment.

“TEN HOURS LATER”

(Laura looks like she’s in shock, has a 1000 yard stare as the crime board behind her has photos ripped down and “HOAX” scrawled over where the Big Boss was at.)

LAURA: There were camera crews there. ZNN International picked up on it, and I had my very own Geraldo Al Capone Vault moment. Nothing was there. No proof that the massage parlor was a front for mafia-backed prostitution. No proof that anything untoward was there.

(Laura runs her hand through her hair in shock, standing up and throwing her stool in anger.)

LAURA: THREE YEARS OF PERFECT TIPS FROM MY SOURCE! (She takes a deep breath) Okay, let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth.

(Danny enters, looking pissed and concerned at the same time.)

DANNY: You okay?

LAURA: Yeah, I will be. Just… I lost my big break. And where were you during the raid?

DANNY: Um, there was a snag I had to handle. There’s going to be a full internal inquiry.

LAURA: (wincing in apology) You didn’t do anything wrong. My source-

DANNY: -was never vetted by my bosses. I put my neck on the line, too, you know. I… I’m going out with the guys. Drown our sorrows in beer.

(Laura nods in understanding, leaning towards her wife for a kiss)

LAURA: Okay, grab a cab if you need.

(Danny awkwardly moves closer and presses her lips on Laura’s forehead instead. Laura obviously notices the awkward moment but doesn’t comment on it.)

DANNY: Yeah. Later. (Danny walks out of the frame, and the front door is heard closed and locked.)

LAURA: (Puts stool back in place and sits in front of her laptop) Three years ago I got a… guardian angel of sorts. Some low-life tried to mug me just after I graduated in journalism, but I fended him off. About a week later, I got my wallet back in the mail. There was actually WAY more money in there than before, and just enough details for me to report the sleazeball mugger and get him arrested for trying to pawn off stolen goods from a B&E he did.

LAURA: From there, I kept getting these anonymous tips, and I’d share them with law enforcement. That’s when I noticed a pattern of low-level organized crime lackeys, and a local liaison of INTERPOL came asking questions. I never knew who gave me the tips, but we were able to do some good so they seemed happy with it.

LAURA: It was after helping bust this pimp who kept his girls on coke that I started getting gifted with furniture, clothing, and cash. Really nice stuff. It was like my guardian angel was rewarding me for helping clean up the streets. Gaming 101: who says no to loot after you beat the bad guy? And as much as I tried to figure out who was sending it, I got nowhere.

“ONE WEEK LATER”

(Laura holds a manila envelope, seems anxious and worried)

LAURA: Personal Vlog, Laura Hollis… the guardian angel turned shitty anonymous source wrote me for the first time since the botched raid. (She shakes the envelope and notices something inside.)

(Laura opens the envelope and tilts it over, catching a key, holding it up for the camera before pulling out the rest of the documents and reads the handwritten page.)

LAURA: “I’m so sorry about the failed raid, and even more sorry to give you this bad news. Feel free to stay for as long as you need....” What the what? Did they just give me a HOUSE?

(Laura looks at the address and types it into her laptop, jaw dropping as she sees the street view on Google Earth. Looking back at the note, she puts it aside and is looking at a series of photos, making her cover her mouth in shock as she takes in multiple images that the viewer cannot see.)

LAURA: Danny… (looks up to the webcam) how could you?

“TWO YEARS LATER”

(The webcam shows an older, anxious, frazzled Laura Hollis in a different home. The bedroom is less opulent than before, but there is still a crime board that is mostly covered in fluff pieces that she’s doing for Silas’ lifestyle section. In a small corner is her only true investigation: who her anonymous source has been)

LAURA: (defeated) Personal vlog… _video diary..._ of Laura Hollis, tabloid trash. I’m one step away from creating online quizzes for _what kind of_ _jelly belly_ are you for playbuzz. Nothing quite so encapsulates personal failure in life like pawning your wedding ring to get your car fixed so you can go sign divorce papers.

(Laura turns to the crime board, pointing to a trail of shell companies that go nowhere.)

LAURA: And despite living here for free, half of my wardrobe being free, and getting an occasional wad of cash when I can’t get any freelance writing gigs, I’m no closer to figuring out who is giving me the _Great Expectations_ treatment. (She shrugs) I’d recall if I gave an escaped convict some food and a file.

(Laura leans the other way, where we see a photo of Danny with her arm around Mel Callis.)

LAURA: Though I know who _Estella_ would be; the beautifully cold yet distant woman, set to break hearts like a grade A bitc-um, bad person.

(There’s the sound of a door closing, surprising Laura.)

LAURA: I locked the door, and I’ve never given out a copy of the key in two years.

(Carmilla shows up in the frame, punk outfit ruined as she is looking beaten and bloody. She holds up a manila envelope with Laura’s name on it, and the handwriting is exactly the same as the one that held the key.)

LAURA: Um, excuse me, but who the hell are you?  
  
CARMILLA: Carmilla. I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.   


[END EPISODE]


	2. EPISODE TWO: Karnstein Crime Syndicate

(Laura, opening the envelope, looks at Carmilla warily as she seems to know her way around the house and staggers back with a first aid kit and sits down to check the dressing on a blood-soaked bandage on her left thigh.)

LAURA: What do you mean _new roommate_?

CARMILLA: Read the letter, mother explains it all in there.

LAURA: Mother? Wait, are you bleeding?!

CARMILLA: I’ll be fine, just gotta change the dressing… maybe do some stitches.

(Laura pulls out letter and starts to read it out loud while Carmilla takes off her top and pants to deal with a minor cut on her torso and the gash that tore through her jeans.)

LAURA: “Dear Laura, if you are reading this message, I have been unable to secure my freedom and every remaining backup plan to ensure my daughter’s safety has failed. You’re staying at the final safe house I had done off the books so Interpol would be unable to find her here.”

(Laura turns to see Carmilla in just a bra and panties, making her do a double take and put herself between the webcam and the brunette. Carmilla notices and peers around her.)

CARMILLA: So, are you like a cam girl or something? I want 60% of the revenue for this video.

(Laura rolls her eyes at that)

LAURA: It’s my video blog, I use it to document everything.

CARMILLA: Oh, so you’re a self-absorbed millennial. Not sure why mother let you move in here.

LAURA: I’m _not_ a self-absorbed millennial, I’m a reporter.

(Carm turns to look at her, recognizing the face as she sways a little.)

CARMILLA: Oh, you’re that lifestyle reporter that does fluff pieces like the best frozen yogurt parlor to go to during the winter. _Good going, Lois Lane_.

(Laura shoots Carm a dirty look before turning back to her crime board.)

LAURA: What was that about your mother being unable to secure her freedom, and this being a safe house from freaking INTERPOL?

CARMILLA: My mother is Lilita Karnstein, though she’s reclaimed her maiden name Morgan with the whole _‘rebranding’_ thing we’ve been doing. (Carm does finger quotes for ‘rebranding’ and sways a bit more, grabbing hold of the couch to steady herself.)

(Laura’s jaw drops in utter shock as we see that ‘Karnstein Crime Syndicate’ was crossed out on her crime board as a potential identity for her anonymous source.)

LAURA: I’ve been wearing clothing, given furniture, cash, and A HOUSE from the Karnstein Crime Syndicate? (Shakes her head in dismissal) No, that can’t be; I would have noticed-

CARMILLA: Here I thought you were too busy doing hard-hitting exposes on the opening of Styria’s first and only internet cat cafe. (Blinks slowly a few times) Hey the room is spinning…

(Laura turns to see Carmilla start to collapse, pulling her onto the couch as Carmilla fades in and out from blood loss.)

LAURA: Carmilla! Oh boy, blood loss, (peers at wound) gunshot graze put some of your pants fibers in the wound, and… (roots through the first aid kit) there’s a full _suture kit_ in here. Okay Hollis, you did that report on doctors without borders… debride wound, clean wound, suture wound. Get something for blood loss. (starts putting on a pair of blue gloves)

“ONE HOUR LATER”

(Carmilla is still out, her leg is bandaged again, and has an IV setup. Laura’s crime board is wiped clean of the lifestyle stories of cat cafes and frozen yogurt parlor ratings and is instead showing various crime families, some with “APPREHENDED” over their photos and others with “SUSPECT?” written beneath them. The Karnstein Crime Syndicate is smack-dab in the center, with “???” under a faceless portrait outline symbolizing Lilita Morgan-Karnstein.

LAURA: (Looks to camera) Well I couldn’t just let her bleed out on the floor; besides, leaving a Crime boss’ only daughter to die _might be hazardous to my own health._ So while the crown princess of crime recovers, let’s review:

(Points to the mug shots of Baron Vordenburg, Matska Belmonde, and Thomas Straka. There’s a dotted line connecting Matska to Thomas with a question mark over it.)

LAURA: Apparently my anonymous informant was Carmilla Karnstein’s mother Lilita, who _used me_ to investigate and get Interpol to take down her rivals here in the Styrian Underworld. I feel like I should be up here on the board as one of the Karnstein pawns…

CARMILLA: (Sits up slightly) You aren't the only cog in her machine, cupcake. But look on the bright side, you were doing good that way.

LAURA: Sure, I was making a name for myself and putting away criminals, but I don’t like getting manipulated.

(Carmilla notices the IV line, curious.)

CARMILLA: How did… what are you giving me?

LAURA: You were hypovolemic… low blood pressure due to lack of blood… so I rigged you up with a saline and coconut water IV. Learned it from a doctor working in a war zone.

CARMILLA: Okay, cool. I gotta make a call. (Narrows eyes at the board) Why’s my cousin Mattie on there?

(Laura does a double take, then draws a line between the Belmonde family and the Karnsteins.)

LAURA: Swept up in a human trafficking bust I tipped off to Interpol.

CARMILLA: Yeah, but, we don’t do that. She was trying to free them out from under the Strakas, not helping them. Hurt their bottom line so we could dominate the market through legal channels.

(Laura wipes away the dotted line between Matska and Thomas)

LAURA: That actually tracks then; she never seemed the type to do that. So how did you get shot and wind up here?

CARMILLA: My mom’s being held in prison awaiting trial and I’m supposed to be testifying to her defense in the International Court over the bogus charges that we’re smuggling people and selling arms to terrorist groups.

LAURA: So what happened?

CARMILLA: The INTERPOL safe house I was at got compromised and my protective detail got killed.

(Front door opens and slams shut loudly, startling Carmilla as Laura pulls a Glock 43 out from what must be a drawer under the desk where the laptop camera is, drawing down at the doorway.)

LAURA: (Whisper) Did you lock the door? Were you followed?

(Carmilla nods then shakes her head. Before Laura can say anything-)

DANNY: LAURA! ARE YOU OKAY?!

(Laura starts to lower the Glock, but raises it again, even angrier than before.)

LAURA: HOW THE **FUCK** DID YOU GET IN?! AND KNOW WHERE I LIVE?!

[END EPISODE]


	3. EPISODE THREE: Ex-wives and Hot Dog Water

LAURA: HOW THE **FUCK** DID YOU GET IN?! AND KNOW WHERE I LIVE?!

(Danny enters the room, surprised to be at gunpoint as she raises her hands to show she’s not armed.)

DANNY: Hey, I-

(Danny notices Carmilla)

DANNY: What the fuck? (reaches for handcuffs) Do you know how long I've been _waiting_ for this?

CARMILLA: Creampuff, what the **fuck** is she doing here?!

DANNY: -Carmilla Karnstein. _Jesus Christ._

LAURA: -Danny, hold up.

DANNY: Do you know who this bitch is?

LAURA: Yeah, I do. What I don’t know is why you’re here all of a sudden.

DANNY: (Almost sarcastically) Well, _sorry_ for barging in, I just needed to check on you!

(Laura lowers the pistol slightly, but is still weighing the pros and cons of shooting her ex-wife.)

LAURA: Yeah, barging in after _two years_? Likely story.

CARMILLA: Holy crap, your ex-wife is an Interpol agent? Creampuff, unhook me from this drip, give me some car keys, a gun or two, and I’ll get myself to the court to testify WITHOUT your help.

DANNY: I lost some of my mostly highly-trained officers today _protecting you_ , and you just ran off. _What am I supposed to think, Karnstein?_

CARMILLA: That whomever is _framing my mother_ wants me dead I cannot testify, mom gets locked away forever, and they can take over the family business?

DANNY: (fumes, but can’t disagree) The court deadline is 5:00 P. M. tomorrow, Ms. Karnstein. That means you have 27 hours to get there. If you really want to help your mom, _who I think is guilty by the way,_ you should work with me.

CARMILLA: Fuck that; Interpol's compromised. (Looks to Laura) You have to know that.

(Laura looks to her crime board, considers Danny and Carmilla, and puts away the gun.)

LAURA: Okay, tell me what happened.

DANNY: I left to get food-

CARMILLA: (overlapping) It was a goddamned war zone-

LAURA: HEY! (Danny and Carmilla stop) Carmilla, go ahea-

DANNY: Wait, you’re really going to believe _little miss crime princess_ here?

LAURA: Well, **YOU** used me to _climb the interpol ladder_ -

DANNY: -and here we are again.

LAURA: You up for a promotion?

DANNY: You have to **blame me** for every little bump in your road, don't you.

LAURA: Oh, no, these aren't _bumps_ . Not _bumps_ . Just my _big break_ story **_breaking me._ **

DANNY: -I had nothing to do...

LAURA: (mocking) …”To do with...” Do you know what happens when a reporter has a _Geraldo moment_? I had a shot with _Styria Today_. I was up here, yeah? Then I opened up to you. Why wouldn't I? **_I was in love with you_**. And I _fucking told you_ the tip on my big break. It was the _first time_ I risked my _entire career_ to you. **_I trusted you._** Now I do this; review fro-yo huts.

DANNY: I'm _sorry,_ Laura, you hit a rough patch.

LAURA: (mocking) …"A rough..." A 300-pound competitive _hot dog eater_ exploded **_out from both ends_ ** in my car last week. Not just hot dogs and vomit, either. _Hot dog water_.

DANNY: -Okay, Laura...

LAURA: -No, I want you to take a minute to think of what that clean-up might be.

DANNY: I don't have time for your _insane rambling_ , okay?

LAURA: At some point, you just burn the car.

DANNY: -I never used you!

LAURA: -The depreciation alone totaled...

DANNY: **I left you!** Because you couldn't forgive me for something _I didn't even do._

LAURA: (cold anger, very hurt) Sure. But the difference is that I’m still _single._ Can you say the same, _Mrs. Callis?_

DANNY: That’s not fair. I have a right to move on.

LAURA: **Yeah, whatever!** And I had to pawn my _wedding ring_ to fix my car so I could sign the divorce papers so you could go off and _marry your ex!_

DANNY: (tries to bite her tongue but can’t) **That’s not my fault!** And you seem to have _quite a cozy_ little place here.

CARMILLA: Technically it’s my place.

DANNY: My ex-wife _lives_ _with_ the heir to the Karnstein Crime Syndicate. Of course. You know she’s a mob boss, right? (scoffs) And you’re playing nursemaid to a murderer.

LAURA: -A witness, now.

DANNY: (bitter mocking) “Witness”, right. If Lilita Karnstein is acquitted, she’ll be _back running her criminal empire next week._

CARMILLA: The rebranding was to turn our business ventures legit, actually. _That’s_ why I know mother is getting framed for arms dealing.

DANNY: Yeah, likely story.

CARMILLA: (rolls eyes) By getting prostitution legalized and treating drug addiction as a health instead of criminal issue, we’re destroying the livelihoods of all of our illicit competitors, while setting up treatment centers and brothels! It makes _good business sense_.

LAURA: That… actually makes a lot of sense. (A beat.) And that makes for a compelling story! I’m coming with you.

DANNY: No, you know what? If you two _geniuses_ want to go off and get yourselves killed by hitmen, **I don’t care!** It will _also_ get Lilita Karnstein behind bars for life, and **_I_ ** only see that as an added bonus. Of course, if I’m right and the hit on my team was Carmilla’s doing, oh… I’m going to enjoy hunting you down and getting you a cell _right next to your mommy._

(Laura looks at Carmilla, then back at Danny.)

LAURA: My spidey-sense tells me Carm’s telling the truth.

DANNY: (shakes head in disgusted resignation) On your head be it. (Starts to leave) Don’t come _crying to me_ when you’re dead, Laura!

LAURA: Come back _never._

(Door slams shut.)

CARMILLA: Hey Creampuff, we never did figure out how Danny found this place.

LAURA: (Huffs) Knowing her, she probably put a _tracking device_ on you.

(Carmilla laughs, pointing to her shoe)

CARMILLA: You mean that old-ass piece of tech the size of a quarter? Please, I flushed that the first chance I had. She didn’t even know I was here; she came looking to protect _you_. Probably because the safe house she had was only a few blocks away.

LAURA: That’s… oddly convenient.

CARMILLA: Yeah, well, it wasn’t like it was the Four Seasons, but it was stocked with some perishables that made me think that your girl was probably living there part-time. Possibly trouble in paradise.  
  
(Laura smirked triumphantly at that, and Carmilla subtly notices it.)   
  
LAURA: I’m going to go lock the door and check the perimeter, alright?   
  
(Carmilla nods as Laura gets up and leaves the room. Once Laura is gone, Carmilla dials a phone number.)   
  
CARMILLA: Matska Belmonde, please.   
  
[END EPISODE]


	4. EPISODE FOUR: Youkali

(Matska Belmonde is looking surprisingly svelte in the drab prison jumpsuit as she was called into an unremarkable prison office and informed her lawyer was on the phone.)

GUARD: Miss Belmonde, your attorney.

MATSKA: Go away.

(Guard looks uncomfortable at the command.)

GUARD: I’ve been, uh, requested to stay and be certain that you don’t destroy this office. (Mutters) Like the last one.

MATSKA: (testily) It’s called _lawyer fucking confidentiality,_ you two-bit keystone cop wannabe!

GUARD: (nervously) Miss Bel-

(Matska gives the type of glare that silences him. And possibly his entire bloodline.)

MATSKA: I will- (grabs the first thing from the desk, a corded computer mouse) -shove this thing so far down your _fucking_ throat that I’ll be able to reach up your ass, grab the cord, and pull it through you so fast that it actually _cleans your goddamn colon._

GUARD: (possibly urinates himself before leaving) Sorry!

(Cut to a split screen between Matska lounging in prison and Carmilla forcing herself to get up and to check the IV bag, limping slightly as she grabs the first aid scissors and cuts her denims into shorts.)

MATSKA: Now what do you want, you useless piece of shit?

CARMILLA: (laughing) Mattie, it’s me!

MATSKA: Oh, my baby cousin! What do you want, you _foder paneleiro filha de puta!_

CARMILLA: (wincing in pain as she tries to put on the shorts) Yeah, that’s the cousin I’ve grown to love.

MATSKA: Puta que pariu! I’m only in here because I was following your mother’s orders; all because you're changing our business model over some _dead whore!_

CARMILLA: (Visibly biting her tongue and letting go of some rage) Yeah, I know, Mattie. How are you doing in there? Have you made a shiv to protect yourself or anything?

MATSKA: I’m the only **_Afro-Portuguese_ ** in a godforsaken Dutch women’s prison, Carmilla! They also know I’m a Karnstein, so my only worry is getting _bored to fucking death_.

CARMILLA: (groans in discomfort as she finally gets one leg in the shorts) You got a decent view though?

MATSKA: Yes, it’s magnificent to realize I’m surrounded by _bland Dutch buildings_. I should be living life out on the open seas, or at least in Paris!

CARMILLA: We’ll go on vacation once you’re out; would you like that?

MATSKA: This isn’t like I’m in some _shitty-ass Ikea_ , Carm!

CARMILLA: (gets second leg into the shorts and fastened it) I’m sorry; I’m just trying to connect with you. Can I send you some flowers or something?

MATSKA: I’m allergic to flowers, Carm! What kind of horrible cousin are you? Dios mio, do you even recall my birthday?

CARMILLA: Yeah, it's December 13th; you're a Sagittarius.

MATSKA: But what year?

CARMILLA: Every year…?

MATSKA: You see, that's what I'm talking about, Carm.

CARMILLA: I'll make it up to you.

(Carmilla pulls out IV needle and whimpers at the sight of it.)

MATSKA: Carmilla, is something wrong?

CARMILLA: Nothing, cuz. Nothing.

MATSKA: Sing it for me. Youkali.

(Carmilla stands up and takes a deep breath as she begins to sing in french.)

CARMILLA: (sings)  
_C'est presqu'au bout du monde,_  
_ma barque vagabonde,_  
_errant au gré de l'onde,_ _  
m'y conduisit un jour._

 _L'île est toute petite,_  
_mais la fée qui l'habite_  
_gentiment nous invite_ _  
à en faire le tour._

(Laura enters, but is stopped and entranced by Carmilla’s singing.)

 _Youkali,_  
_c'est le pays de nos désirs,_  
_Youkali,_  
_c'est le bonheur,_ _  
c'est le plaisir._

 _Youkali,_  
_c'est la terre où l'on_  
_quitte tous les soucis,_  
_c'est dans notre nuit,_  
_comme une éclaircie._  
_l'étoile qu'on suit,_ _  
c'est Youkali!_

(Line goes dead)

MATSKA: -Hello? Carm?

CARMILLA: -Hello? Mattie!?

(Carmilla checks her phone's app to ensure she had her Tor redirect working properly as Matska ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it into the computer monitor. End Split screen as Laura clears her throat to make her presence known, looking apologetic yet nervous.)

LAURA: That was beautiful. What was that?

CARMILLA: Thanks; it’s _Youkali;_ sounds pretty in French at first but is kind of depressing at the end.

LAURA: And uh, not to say you can't call your family, but is that safe?

CARMILLA: I use Tor and a VPN. Internet call bounces through a dozen secure servers so it's untraceable.

LAURA: (Eyebrows shoot up, obviously impressed) Okay, great. So… the perimeter is secured, Danny must have picked the lock or something.

CARMILLA: You didn’t give anyone a spare key or anything, did you? Tell any of your friends that you live here?

(Laura looks a bit dejected)

LAURA: Being a reporter was my life. Along with being Danny’s faithful wife… so when we divorced, she pretty much kept all the friends we had. (A beat.) What about you? Anyone special in your life?

(Carmilla stares off in the distance, shaking her head slightly as if to brush away a painful memory.)

CARMILLA: Not anymore.

LAURA: Sorry. (Looks around for a change of subject) I think I have some clothes that will disguise you on our road trip, and I’ll pack something nice for court in a go-bag, okay? Just sit tight. (Awkwardly shuffles away.)

[END EPISODE]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Youkali Lyrics Translated:
> 
> It's almost at the end of the world,  
> my boat wanders,  
> wandering at the whim of the wave,  
> took me there one day.  
>    
> The island is very small,  
> but the fairy who lives there  
> gently invites us  
> to go around.  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the country of our desires,  
> Youkali  
> It's happiness,  
> it's pleasure.  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the land where one  
> leave all the worries,  
> it's in our night,  
> like a thinning.  
> the star we follow,  
> it's Youkali!  
>    
> Youkali  
> it's respect  
> of all the exchanged wishes.  
> Youkali  
> it's the country  
> beautiful shared loves.  
>    
> It is hope  
> which is at the heart of all humans,  
> delivery  
> we are all waiting for tomorrow.  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the country of our desires,  
> Youkali  
> It's happiness  
> it's pleasure,  
> but it's a dream, a madness,  
> there is no Youkali!  
> but it's a dream, a madness,  
> there is no Youkali!  
>    
> And life is dragging us  
> boring, daily,  
> but the poor human soul,  
> seeking everywhere oblivion,  
> to leave the earth,  
> find the mystery  
> where our dreams are burrowing  
> in some Youkali ...  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the country of our desires,  
> Youkali  
> It's happiness,  
> it's pleasure.  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the land where one  
> leave all the worries,  
> it's in our night,  
> like a thinning,  
> the star we follow,  
> it's Youkali!  
>    
> Youkali  
> it's respect  
> of all the exchanged wishes,  
> Youkali  
> it's the country  
> shared beautiful loves,  
>    
> It is hope  
> which is at the heart of all humans,  
> delivery  
> we are all waiting for tomorrow.  
>    
> Youkali  
> it is the country of our desires,  
> Youkali  
> It's happiness,  
> it's pleasure.  
>    
> But it's a dream, a madness,  
> there is no Youkali!  
> But it's a dream, a madness,  
> there is no Youkali!


	5. EPISODE FIVE: Extra-Large Cheese Pizza with a side order of a SIG-Sauer P232

[Scene opens as Laura is putting Carmilla in a pair of drab, JNCO super-wide leg jeans, a black flogging molly t-shirt, and a black snapback with the number ‘1698’ in hot pink. Laura is dressed in a charcoal suit with Rachel Maddow style glasses.]

CARMILLA: What the fuck is this shit, Creampuff?

LAURA: Had to go undercover to report on the latest designer drugs.

(Hands her a Silas University zip-up hoodie)

LAURA: And if you need, you can lose the hat and wear this instead.

CARMILLA: (takes hat off and zips up the hoodie) I’m not a hat kind of girl.

LAURA: (pauses a moment too long as she looks at Carmilla, but snaps out of it.) Okay, now the go bag with the first aid kit, mags of ammo, water bottles… (walks off-screen)

CARMILLA: (calls out to her) And what’s with those hipster glasses?

LAURA: (yells back) Built-in camera so I can document everything!

CARMILLA: (rolling eyes) Your need to record everything borders on pathological.

(Scene changes to Laura’s point of view in her room as she touched a button on her glasses and zips up a single-shoulder tactical backpack.)

LAURA: Yeah but it helps with the reporting and saves a live feed to the cloud.

(doorbell rings)

CARMILLA: (calls out to her) Hey, Laur, you ordered a pizza? (Door unlocks and opens) What the-?

(sound of a struggle followed a scream, two gunshots, and the sound of something metallic and heavy clattering on the floor)

LAURA: SHIT!

(camera angle shakes as Laura is running to the front door, grabbing the baseball bat on the way and swinging the pizza delivery guy hard across the head, knocking him out cold.)

CARMILLA: (visibly shaken and shocked, somehow holding the box of pizza) I saw the gun and kicked the door shut on his wrist, he shot a few times, I ripped it out of his hand and-and.. And the door flew open, so I reached for what I thought was a weapon and it’s a box of _fucking pizza?_

(Laura is already rolling the delivery guy over onto his belly, knee in his back and checking his pockets.)

LAURA: Carm, it’s not pizza. Was he alone?

(Laura checks his pulse and sees he’s out cold as Carmilla looks out the doorway to see an empty sedan with the engine running at the curb. Carmilla closes the door and opens the box, finding an assortment of zip ties, handcuffs, and syringes.)

CARMILLA: Seems like. Assassins usually work in groups of 3. (Hands her the zip ties while she keeps the suppressed SIG-Sauer P232 that fell to the ground.) Here, use these to restrain him.

(Laura zip ties his wrists together and sits him up, taking another moment to pull a few bills out of her pocket to give him a tip.)

CARMILLA: (eyebrow cocked in surprise) Creampuff, are you actually _tipping_ our would-be assassin?

LAURA: For all we know, he’s an _**actual** _ pizza delivery guy trying to make ends meet.

(Carmilla rolls her eyes at that as a knock at the door gets their attention, gun drawn as Carm takes a position against the wall and nods to Laura to open the door.)

KIRSCH: (through the door) Hey, little nerd hottie, I just heard gunshots! Are you alright?

LAURA: (through door, looking through peephole) Yeah Wilson; don’t worry about it. It was an accident.

KIRSCH: Accident?

LAURA: Yeah, um, I was cleaning my gun and it went off. (Glances to see Carmilla grimacing at the bad lie.)

KIRSCH: It went off… twice? Um, can you open the door?

(Carmilla rolls her eyes)

CARMILLA: (whispers) Get rid of him! We gotta go!

LAURA: (flustered) Yeah, really dumb of me to not check the safety, but I’m fine, really!

(Laura looks through the peephole and sees an unmarked van parking across the street.)

LAURA: (whispers) Carm, check the perimeter cameras on my laptop. Just Alt+Tab to them. Tell me if you see any white unmarked windowless vans setting up in the back alleyway.

(Carm shuffles off and we hear some keystrokes.)

CARMILLA: There’s a white and a grey one.

LAURA: Grey? Hey Wilson, I need you to go back to your home right now!

(Laura gets up, slams her laptop shut, and puts it into her go-bag backpack before putting it across her torso and clicking it in place.)

CARMILLA: Grey van is a three person hit team, but what are the white vans?

LAURA: Interpol Tactical Units; Danny borrowed a van once. Basement, let’s go!

(Laura and Carmilla run down some stairs as small explosions go off, spurring them to go faster.)

CARMILLA: What the fuck was that? Door charges?

LAURA: Yeah; they were probably told **we’re** the bad guys who hit the safe house. _Great_.

(Laura pulls a wheeled cabinet out of the way and opens a secret door to a tunnel underneath, gesturing Carmilla through. Once she’s through, she pulls the cabinet back into place with an attached rope, then jerks it roughly to detach it, closing the hidden door and turning on the flashlight attachment on her Glock.)

LAURA: **I go first**. I check to see if it's clear, then you follow.

CARMILLA: You know, you're not the only person on the planet who’s been in an _actual_ shootout, creampuff.

(The pair of them go down the tunnel and Laura pokes her head around the corner with the flashlight on her gun before proceeding.)

LAURA: I'm sorry, but is _your outfit_ reinforced with kevlar?

CARMILLA: _Fine._ Why not just give me yours instead of this hipster ass shit?

LAURA: Because it won't fit you. And this way I can keep you out of harm’s way.

CARMILLA: Creampuff. I _am_ harm's way.

(They make it to the end of the tunnel where a fake sewer manhole cover is overhead. Laura climbs the steps and lifts the cover up enough to peek through.)

LAURA: The grey van? Definitely not Interpol.

CARMILLA: I don't suppose I could take a peek?

LAURA: No. We're gonna take a different route. Let’s go.

(Laura turns back down the hallway as Carmilla lifts the cover, uses the suppressed SIG-Sauer P232 to make two shots, turning to face down the other direction of the back alley.)

THEO: Fuck! It’s her!

(Theo sees one of his fellow hitmen drop as he starts up the grey van, leaning his gun out the window to take blind shots at Carmilla, who ducks immediately. Three gunshots ring out as the van peels away, making the white Interpol van drive off in pursuit.)

LAURA: (hoarse whisper) _What the fuck, Carm?_

CARMILLA: (Sarcastically) Oh, thank god you're here. I don't know what I would've done without you.

(Laura glares at her)

LAURA: (Also sarcastically) Well done. Guess what happens now?

INTERPOL AGENT: _Shots fired! Shots fired! Send backup!_

(More gunshots ring out as Laura sees that the alley is now clear, lifts the manhole cover and climbs out, gunfire sounds coming from inside the house. Laura leads Carmilla around the house external perimeter, staying low and out of sight of the windows as Wilson Kirsch is hiding among his azaleas.)

KIRSCH: I _knew_ you were in trouble, but Interpol?

LAURA: What part of _go away_ was difficult for you to grasp?

(Laura and Carmilla make it to the front yard of the house as she remotely unlocks her white smart car.)

LAURA: Carm, stay down and I’ll cross the front yard first and then _signal_ to you when-

INTERPOL AGENT: _Agent down! I repeat, Age..._

(Interpol agent shot by the remaining assassin, whose back is turned towards the open front door. Carmilla stands up and runs past Laura, pistol drawn at the doorway, pulling the trigger twice and killing the hitman before taking a knee behind the smart car.)

CARMILLA: YOU’RE WELCOME!

(Laura follows after Carmilla, running into the house to grab a radio off of one of the dead agents before getting to the car. Laura starts the engine as Carmilla climbs in, eyes watering at the smell and hitting the button to open up the rooftop.)

LAURA: Now we have a _new_ problem. Dead Interpol agents at MY house! _I’m a suspect now,_ **_and_ ** _a fugitive!_

CARMILLA: Cupcake, you think you _weren’t_ a suspect the minute Danny saw you with me? Cops are always gonna assume the worst of us.

LAURA: Yeah, well I like to keep things a little more subtle. Boring is better; and shooting the hitmen to start a shootout with Interpol agents? _That's very loud._

INTERPOL RADIO: All units converge!

CARMILLA: Well Creampuff, if Interpol is after you, we gotta ditch this car and fast.

(Laura pulls out of the driveway and waits for Carmilla to buckle up.)

LAURA: Hey Carm, buckle up. If we get in a high-speed chase, I want you strapped in.

CARMILLA: (laughs in disbelief as she buckles in) _High-speed chase?_ Back in the day, we wouldn't have even stolen this piece of shit, _and we stole everything_. Feels like this tiny car should have a wind-up key in the back.

LAURA: (Drives away) Hey, Shadowfax has gotten me through quite a few pickles in my past.

CARMILLA: Is that _pickles_ I smell? Because if I _were_ to break into this car, I’d leave it where it is, come back and add a few air fresheners, and possibly leave a note telling the owner where they can have this thing crushed and sealed away forever. How many cylinders does this engine have? Are you sure it’s not a wind-up thing?

LAURA: Shadowfax has three cylinders and tops out at about 94 miles per hour. And look; I already know _all I need to know_ about you. All your early arrests, your father in and out of prison until he died in there, your mom taking over, and now you following in the same footsteps of running a criminal enterprise.

CARMILLA: Did a little research, did you, Lois Lane? Like trying to prepare for a test, make certain there are no surprises? Let’s see; your dad was cop, and you grew up wanting to be a cop, till you found out how much sexism is still in there and that the pay is laughable.

(Laura frowns in shame as Carmilla is dead on the money)

CARMILLA: So you became a reporter, married an _international_ cop, and used her to exploit your cop wannabe fantasies. And you’re looking to make it big in newspaper and maybe sell a few true crime books on the side. I didn’t even have to do research to figure _that_ out about you. It’s apparent even from here.

[Laura tries to sit up straighter (she can’t) and pretend that Carmilla didn’t cause a crit hit to her ego.]

LAURA: (Sarcastically) Okay, well I can’t wait to what I’ll apparently do next.

CARMILLA: You’re going to keep a low profile and stick to the back roads while-

LAURA: -you know what? Why not lay back and _keep from getting spotted_ . **Quietly**.

CARMILLA: Good idea, but can we get another car? Even with the top open, it smells like ass in here. My jag never smelled like ass…

LAURA: (Muttering to herself as she looks at reflection in rear-view mirror.) _Great; we're fugitives on the run from both professional assassins **and** a compromised Interpol. 27 hours, Hollis. You can do this. _

* * *

[Scene change to Interpol office; Senor Interpol Agent Steph Ouaknine is towering over a seated Danny Lawrence with printouts from the dash cam of the white Interpol van. We can clearly see Carmilla and Laura working together to escape, guns drawn, to the smart car in the front driveway.]

STEPH: Facial recognition identifies this woman as Laura Trevelyan Hollis. [A beat.] But you already know that, don't you, Agent Lawrence? You two have a… _sordid history._

DANNY: It’s a long time ago.

STEPH: (disbelievingly) Carmilla Karnstein slipped away and _she’s with your ex-wife?_

DANNY: First off, official channels have been compromised. Second, _I didn’t arrange for them to meet_. Third, they were  _ambushed_ by professional hitters that were after them.

STEPH: (Minerva McGonagall's 'Not Amused' face) This ‘coincidence’ doesn’t seem that coincidental.

DANNY: What did you expect me to do? I can’t control Laura.

STEPH: I agree; our office security _has_ been breached. **You can go.** I'm placing you on leave.

DANNY: (shocked) WHAT?!

STEPH: You will surrender your weapon and credentials. _You put your career in the hands of a mob boss and your ex-wife._

DANNY: Well, I like my odds. The only way Laura and Karnstein don’t make it to the courthouse in time is if they kill each other first.

(Danny hands over her pistol and badge, walking out of the office and calling her wife in frustration. Camera follows her as she grabs her purse from her desk and leaves the building.)

[split-screen shows Mel in an office at a meeting with someone who is just out of the camera shot.]

MEL: Danny?

DANNY: Hey, love. I got suspended, so it looks like I'll be home for dinner tonight.

MEL: (surprised) Oh uh… I’m so sorry.

DANNY: Ouaknine’s making a mistake; we should be focused on plugging our leak.

MEL: Agreed; but what can you do? Try to tail Laura and save her from herself? (laughing softly)

DANNY: (uncomfortably) No, uh, I don’t wanna… well- (shrugging)

MEL: It’s okay; I fell in love with you _because_ you’re the kind of woman who’s willing to protect people.

DANNY: (grimacing) ...even my ex?

MEL: _Especially_ your ex. I know she hates you for no reason, and still you wanna look after her.

DANNY: (sighing in relief) Thanks. I love you, Mel. Not gonna make dinner, then.

MEL: I know, and I love you too.

[Camera leaves split screen, expands to reveal Theo Straka is with Mel, grinning wickedly as Mel finishes her call.]

MEL: Bye, sweetheart. Hope to see you soon.

[END ACT ONE]


	6. EPISODE SIX: Pitch Imperfect

**Act Two** : Laura's eyeglass-camera shows her and Carmilla are walking out of a White Spot Restaurant, Carmilla carrying out the pirate pak and is wearing a paper pirate hat while Laura seems to shake her head in disbelief. They go to Laura's smart car and she pulls her go-bag out of the trunk and slings it on.

LAURA: You realize you’re an adult. **In public.**

CARMILLA: Oh come on! Didn’t you want me in a hat?

(Carmilla has her hand on the passenger door and is wondering why Laura isn't getting in yet.)

LAURA: They'll have identified my car and have BOLO’s out for it.

CARMILLA: And you. (sweeps arms out in welcoming, still holding the pirate pak.)  _Welcome to fugitive life._

LAURA: (shrugs nonchalantly) Until I turn you in.

CARMILLA: (looks around, and moves towards a grey nondescript Nissan) Just need to find a different vehicle, older model, no alarm. Right here.

LAURA: Luckily, I came prepared.

(Laura fishes out a Slim JIM from the backpack and slides it in between the window and the door latch.)

CARMILLA: You know, if you're gonna be a while, I can just go back in and grab dessert.

LAURA: (huffing in frustration) There's an art to low-impact, high-efficiency breaking and entering, but...

(Carmilla leans up against the passenger door and window, looks around before slamming her elbow through it, shattering the glass and unlocking the car doors with the switch inside.)

CARMILLA: (Sweeping broken glass onto the parking lot) Art's subjective.

(Camera pans over to focus on a red spot on Carmilla's sleeve.)

LAURA: And you're bleeding again.

CARMILLA: (Makes a Piratey ‘Arrgh’ in agreement as they get in the car and Laura tries to hot-wire it.) You know, for someone comfortable in a shootout, you've got a strange thing about bleeding.

(Laura struggles with hot-wiring the vehicle to start, making a really cute grumping sound.)

LAURA: It's inefficient. And I don't _like_ shooting or killing people; I’m a reporter with a _sense of self-preservation_. **Unlike you**.

(Laura looks to Carmilla as she shakes her head, nodding towards the proper exposed wire to start the engine. Huffing, Laura gets out of the car and they switch places as Carmilla expertly starts the vehicle and puts it into reverse.)

CARMILLA: I have self-preservation.

LAURA: Really? Thomas Straka.

(Carm shoots a 'holy crap you know about that?' look before resuming her regular cool-and-disaffected look)

CARMILLA: Thomas Straka was a sex trafficker.

LAURA: Yeah, I know. I reported on him.

CARMILLA: Who was holding a knife to my girl’s throat.

LAURA: _And you rushed him._

CARMILLA: No. I saved my working girl.

LAURA: I think you could have done something less reckless.

CARMILLA: Oh, is that so, Creampuff? Well, here's the thing, _Miss_ _Lois Lane_  wannabe _-_

LAURA: I was a reporter about to have my big break that would have gotten me national attention. Maybe even on ZNN!

CARMILLA: -Everyone is _‘just about to get their big break’._

LAURA: -Nuh-uh!

CARMILLA: If women like you...

LAURA: If _sociopaths like you_ weren't running around trying to solidify your **criminal empire** , no one would get hurt!

CARMILLA: And you said _‘was’. ‘I_ **_was_ ** _a reporter, about to get her big scoop on fro-yo huts!”_  

LAURA: -No, I said "am". I **am** a reporter. _Get us out of the fucking White Spot parking lot!_ (mutters) **Jesus** **tap-dancing** **Christ**.

CARMILLA: You definitely said **"was"**. "Was" as in, "I _used to be_ a nosy reporter with a fine-looking wife and nice house, but now I’m puttering about in a Little Tikes coupe that got Pinocchio's wish to become a real car”.

(Carm pulls out of the parking lot and stops at a red light.)

LAURA: Put your seat belt on.

CARMILLA: (Puts on her seat belt, but gives Laura a questioning look) What happened, anyways? Did you make a mistake?

LAURA: Never made a mistake.

CARMILLA: Well, how did "am" become "was"?

LAURA: (sighs in defeat) I don't actually know.

CARMILLA: Wow, mom was right, you are too uptight.

LAURA: What does _that_ mean?

CARMILLA: It means that I never liked her plan to use you to round up all of her competitors! Having studied you for the past two years, I was _pretty certain_ you’d figure out that we were manipulating you! Shows how much I know.

LAURA: WHAT?! You STUDIED ME for the past two years?!

CARMILLA: You studied me and my family too, Creampuff. I saw your crime board.

LAURA: Okay, answer me this: how does your mother, the _mafia queen herself_ , get busted by Interpol?

CARMILLA: Love, cupcake. Straight-up love. See, I'm doing a recon job in Italy, right? Some dude thinks he’s the first guy to smuggle people in shipping containers. I’m in a cell phone dead zone. Lilita gets a call from the Italian police.

LAURA: What?

CARMILLA: Apparently I was in a coma from a shootout.

LAURA: _-What?_

CARMILLA: Well, that's what they told her. **_The police lie all the time._  **So, naturally, mom drops everything and flies to Italy to see me in the hospital. Goes to my room, and a dozen agents are waiting for her. Played. By. Her. Heart.

LAURA: I had no idea.

CARMILLA: Me, either. But, it happens to the best of us, you know? Like, sort of how Agent Lawrence took you from up here… to here. (gestures to the stolen car, tries to turn on music) _...and the radio is broken._

LAURA: **_Agent Lawrence and I_ ** aren't any of your concern.

CARMILLA: Let me guess: she dumped you because of all your tight-ass, over-planning, look before you leap, "put your seat belt on" shit?

LAURA: (bitterly) She didn't _dump_ me.

CARMILLA: Oh, Creampuff, I **know** she dumped you. I'm just determining all the reasons why, _and there's a plethora of those, cupcake_.

LAURA: -Plethora?

CARMILLA: -Yeah. _It means a lot._

LAURA: _I know what **plethora** means! _ It just doesn't apply here! And not rushing a guy _with a knife_ , that's logical, that's safe. You know, _like wearing a seat belt._

CARMILLA: (rolling eyes as she turns them onto a long-winding road out of town) _Logical, safe_ ... (A beat)  _Boring._

LAURA: Let me ask you something, How many times have you been shot at?

CARMILLA: -Counting today?

LAURA: -Yeah.

CARMILLA: -Too many to count. You?

LAURA: Zero.

CARMILLA: Now, we both know that's bullshit.

LAURA: That's not _bullshit_ , okay? Who patched you up, huh?

CARMILLA: (gestures to brush off the grazed wound on her thigh) This was just a little flesh wound.

LAURA: You got lucky.

CARMILLA: And you believe in _luck_ and _big breaks._

LAURA: (snidely) You _lucky **creampuff**.  _ (Laura tries to rub in the 'creampuff', but it fails. Hilariously.)

CARMILLA: You have to believe in luck and big breaks _as an excuse_ as to why you aren’t on your five-year plan to be on _Styria Today._  It simply has to be bad luck that circumvented all your _planning stuff to death._

LAURA: It’s called being prepared; so that bad situations _never occur._

CARMILLA: Creampuff, you _cannot_ be prepared for everything! Life is gonna _bloody us up_ , okay? You just gotta put on your big girl panties, slap a band-aid on that shit, and keep rolling!

LAURA: (dry sarcasm) That's really beautiful, Carm. Do you ever just write stuff down? Wanna publish a self-help book? _How to rob your friends and extort people?_

CARMILLA: (Obviously ignoring Laura now by singing "Titanium") You shout it out... But I can't hear a word you say-

LAURA: (Also has to drown out Carmilla's singing with the "Cups/When I'm Gone" song) -got my ticket for the long way 'round... Two bottle 'a whiskey for the way-

CARMILLA: -I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet... You shoot me down, but I get up-

LAURA: -When I'm gone. When I'm gone. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone!

CARMILLA: -Fire away, fire away... You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium!

LAURA: -You're gonna miss me by my walk, You're gonna miss me by my talk, Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!

CARMILLA: -I am titanium! (glares at Laura) Gonna keep singing, _Creampuff?_

LAURA: (Huffs) Eyes on the road, Karnstein.


	7. EPISODE SEVEN: The Ambush

(The drivers have apparently switched as Carmilla wakes up from a nap, realizing it’s the middle of the night and they are driving past a few sparse farms with nobody else around them.)

CARMILLA: Where we at?

LAURA: I backtracked west.

CARMILLA: West is the wrong direction.

LAURA: They’re expecting us to take a direct route.

CARMILLA: What the hell is that you're eating?

LAURA: Cupcake; good source of carbs and sugar to keep you going. I got you one, too, while you were taking one of your _world-class naps._

CARMILLA: I'd stay awake if you let me drive.

LAURA: Thank you; that's really generous of… wait, let me think... no!

CARMILLA: I gotta go… you know, _go_.

(Carm squirms in her seat as if she’s fighting the urge to do the peepee dance.)

LAURA: Hold it. Timeline's not built for another break.

CARMILLA: Timeline? Creampuff, just pull the car over.

LAURA: Damn it… fine.

(Carmilla gets out of the car and makes her way towards a wooded area to do her business. Laura waits as she looks at her reflection in the rear view mirror, eyebrows knitting together as she starts to wonder if Carm has been out there too long.)

LAURA: (Gets out of the car) Karnstein! Hey, Princess!

(Carmilla returns, shaking her head in disbelief)

CARMILLA: What?! It’s not like I can just _whip it out_ and water a tree, Creampuff. Give a girl a minute.

(In the distance a gunshot goes off, and we hear the bullet hitting their car, making the two of them duck for cover with their backs against the trunk, realizing that they have been ambushed and are pinned down.)

LAURA: **Fuck!**

CARMILLA: Where the hell did that come from?

LAURA: _This is what happens when you mess with a perfectly laid plan._

CARMILLA: If it were so perfect, we **wouldn’t be getting shot at!**

LAURA: There's more than one.

CARMILLA: _Perfect deduction, Sherlock_.

(Laura pulls out her phone and accesses her eyeglass camera app, before pulling the glasses off of her face.)

LAURA: Draw their fire so I can take a look.

CARMILLA: All right. Go!

(Glasses camera catches Carm firing a few blind shots towards the hit squad as we see three hitmen lined up in a row in front of their vehicle, headlights on in order to blind the pair. Carmilla and Laura rejoin behind the car and take a knee, now facing the hitmen and breathing fast due to adrenaline.)

LAURA: Okay. Three shooters in a row, all lit up. So, we should plan this out.

CARMILLA: While you _come up with a plan,_ **they're gonna kill us.**

LAURA: So here's the plan. Uh… uhh….

(Laura puts glasses back on)

CARMILLA: -You take the left guy, I'll take the right one. Let's see who gets the middle one. Okay? On three. You ready? One…

(Carmilla jumps out, rolling onto the ground and takes the spetsnaz prone firing position and shoots down all three in four shots.)

LAURA: You said _on three_. You shot early.

CARMILLA: Yeah, before they did.

LAURA: You didn’t follow _your own plan._

CARMILLA: Because I saw a shot and took it!

LAURA: But it’s _my job_ to protect you!

CARMILLA: _What?_

LAURA: **I want this story!** Of course it’s my job to keep you safe.

CARMILLA: (astonished and enraged) Well, _I’m sorry_ that my making my own decisions and _taking the shot_ is making it hard for you to **do your job!** You’re welcome that I just _saved your life,_ too.

LAURA: (looks hurt and apologetic, but too late) I didn’t mean it like that!

CARMILLA: **_Yes, you did!_ ** Why else would Mother send me to a safe house with you there? _‘Carmilla is too young and naive to know what she can and can’t handle, and needs protection.’_ That’s all I heard growing up; from my dad, mom, _and now you_.

LAURA: I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of it that way. (sniffs the air) You smell that?

CARMILLA: Yeah, one of the bullets must have hit the gas tank.

LAURA: So we should run, right?

CARMILLA: It only does that in the movies. There has to be a spark and the gas fumes have to be strong enough in the first place.

LAURA: So our stolen car is no longer good.

CARMILLA: Well we can take theirs for a bit.

(Laura and Carmilla walk away from their stolen car and make their way towards the bad guy’s car as Carmilla loots the dead bodies for weapons and ammo.)

LAURA: There's no way that they could have known where we were!

CARMILLA: Well, they did, and now they're dead. Problem solved. (pulls out cell phone to check the time)

LAURA: (snatches the phone away) Is this yours? Is this **_your cell phone?!_ **

CARMILLA: (shrugging) I might have found it in the glove box.

LAURA: You might ha… (rolls eyes and takes a deep calming breath) You know, they can _track a cell phone_ . From a _car we stole._

(Laura throws the phone away and gets into the bad guy’s van. She looks to hot-wire it again only to have Carm hand her a key she looted from the bodies, while looking awkward and apologetic)

LAURA: That's why I use a _ghost chip_ in mine, _and_ I use Tor, so they _can't track the phone_. I mean, phones _literally have GPS signals in them…_ Here I am, backtracking to evade assassins, and you're carrying a _homing beacon_ in your pocket!

CARMILLA: Sorry, my bad.

LAURA: _Your bad?_ Are you from the 17th century or something? Not know how technology works?

CARMILLA: Geez, Laura-

LAURA: -No, I mean, how have you stayed alive this long? Heiress to the Karnstein Crime Syndicate and you’re pulling shit like this?

CARMILLA: Don’t patronize me, Laura.

(Laura sighs)

LAURA: I don’t want to sound like an overprotective parent; I’ve had my fair share of that growing up. Come on, let’s go.

(Laura starts the engine, and pulls away from the road. As she lets out a sigh of relief, there’s a strange clunking sound as steam come from the hood, killing the engine.)

LAURA: How did the engine overheat? I barely drove for-

(Laura looks to Carmilla, who begins to laugh at their bad luck because what else can you do at this point?)

CARMILLA: Must have been a lucky shot to take out the radiator.

LAURA: GODDAMNIT!

[END EPISODE]


	8. EPISODE EIGHT: Best Laid Plans

Episode Eight: Best-Laid Plans

(The pair of them have ditched the second vehicle, and are now having to walk through a field with lots of cows and the strong smell of cow manure on the balmy summer night.)

CARMILLA: Wow, this field smells like your car did.

LAURA: Oh, shut up, Carm. If you knew the first thing about-

CARMILLA: -Creampuff, I said I was sorry about the phone. 

LAURA: Yeah, too late now.

(Laura nearly slips, looking down at her shoe and making a disgusted sound as she thinks she stepped in a cow pie.)

CARMILLA: So, what plan do you have now?

LAURA:  **_There's no plan!_ ** The plan is we're in a  _ cow pasture _ , that's the plan. And make our way to a major highway and hitch hike or something. I got friends in Amsterdam we can crash at for a few hours and recharge before we get to the courthouse.

CARMILLA: I'm talking about your  _ Agent Lawrence  _ plan.  _ That's why you're doing this, right? _ Get her back? (A beat.) You think getting your big break story will get you and her back together?

LAURA: (doesn’t sound like she means it) No, of course not. 

CARMILLA: Oh really? You're still hung up on her. 

LAURA: She  _ ruined _ my career. I want nothing more to do with her. 

CARMILLA: (shakes head) I don't buy it; you're dwelling on the past. You’re thinking she’ll fall back in love with you.

LAURA: No-

CARMILLA: -And you’ll be the girl whose  _ life has meaning again. _

LAURA: (snippy; Carmilla just wrecked her with that last part.) You know, when you wind up in prison, you’re going to be  _ really good _ at giving other inmates advice.

CARMILLA: Creampuff, I’ve had  _ cats _ that know more about women than you. You’ve got it  _ bad  _ for her.

LAURA: Hey! I want my career back; Danny has  _ nothing _ to do with this.

CARMILLA: Oh girl; you are  **so** in love, it’s kinda sad..

LAURA: Merlin, do you ever shut up? Is everything always about love with you?

CARMILLA: Well, what else is there? I mean, take away the guns, the money, the travel, the sweet revenge of destroying your competition… none of that matters if I go home to an empty home and have nobody to tell about it.

(flash of a really sad smile as Carmilla doesn’t have anyone back home)

LAURA: So who is Mister Right in your romantic criminal with a heart of gold empire?

CARMILLA: Well, it  _ was  _ a Miss Right, actually. 

(Laura looks at Carmilla in surprise, realizing her gaydar was off)

LAURA: Oh, I had no idea.

CARMILLA: (trying to play it off) Yeah, the position has been left unfilled for some time.

(Carm glances at Laura and turns away a bit too quickly as they keep walking through the field.)

LAURA: So who was Miss right before?

CARMILLA: Just a working girl that my family protected. I know, it's wrong date your employees, but she knew who I was and didn't see me as a monster. (Smiles in memory) Not everyday you end a date with a body count, you know?

LAURA: Only you would find that romantic.

CARMILLA: Hey, when you’re in my line of work, a certain amount of murder just comes with the territory. That’s just the way the world works, cutie. So we were in this dive bar that’s ours, you know the type; nobody gets carded and the police are never called to handle a dispute, if you know what I mean.

CARMILLA: I had just gotten back from dealing with one of our girls nearly getting evicted from her apartment for not paying rent. I paid off the balance and sent her into rehab to clean her up, and find out who was pushing H on her. So I’m in the bar trying to nurse my bloody mary, to unwind and de-stress. That’s when I noticed this blonde getting hassled by some bikers, who were hoping for a free good time. I get up and put on my brass knuckles, only to see her unleash the most  _ beautiful _ display of wrath and violence that I’ve ever seen.

LAURA: -She took on  _ bikers _ . 

CARMILLA: She was a scrappy fighter, and the way she used the cue ball in her hand to crack that guy’s skull was just… poetry; scarlet roses twineing in razor-wire beautiful. I knew right then, she was the one for me. We made it official that same evening, declaring our love as we dropped off the bikers at a nearby hospital.

LAURA: That’s… unusually kind of you.

CARMILLA: Well, the van was still going at about 20 miles an hour when we shoved them out of the side door.

LAURA: -oh, there we go. So what happened?

(Carmilla stops dead in her tracks, face and eyes going distant before she’s able to shake it off.)

CARMILLA: She’s uh-

(Tour Bus headlights shine over the pair of them, breaking the moment)

LAURA: -Hey, carm. Lights up ahead. 

BUS DRIVER: Need a ride?

LAURA: Yeah. We're trying to catch a ferry to Amsterdam.

BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I can get you there.

LAURA: Oh yeah?

BUS DRIVER: Jump in.

(Laura waves Carmilla to get on the bus as well)

CARMILLA: (Hushed whisper) Hey, there's gonna hitmen all over Amsterdam for us.

LAURA: Don’t worry, it’s a quick in and out. I got trusted friends who live there.

CARMILLA: You have friends?

LAURA: Oh go fuck yourself and...  _ hello. _

(Laura sees the young men gasping at her, whispering “language” and looking at her in horror, as Carmilla reads the cover band’s name aloud.)

“Higher Sacrifice? Y’all are a Creed cover band?!”

(The various band members turn to her and their faces light up.)

TOBY: We strive to evangelize the Word of God through doing acapella covers of Creed… (grins like a kid in a candy store) and maybe a little bit of Nickelback when we clean up the lyrics. I’m Toby.

CARMILLA: Claudia. (crinkles nose in a flirtatious manner, making Laura want to dry heave.) Mind if we sing along on this ride?

(Carmilla and Laura sit down next to each other as Laura’s staring daggers at her friend.)

LAURA: (whispered angrily) What. Are. You. Doing.

CARMILLA: Getting along with my new friends; we’re going to be stuck in here for 10 or so hours… wait, 12 now because  _ you doubled back. _

(Toby and Carmilla start singing Creed’s ‘Higher’ together, before turning into a montage of Laura trying to ignore the cheerful singing and sleeping through ‘With Arms Wide Open’, ‘My Sacrifice’, Nickelback’s ‘This is How You Remind Me’, ‘Hero’, and sunrise starts to come up as the bus pulls over during Creed’s ‘What’s This Life For?’.)

BUS DRIVER: Okay ladies, here you go.

TOBY AND CARMILLA: But they ain't here anymore!

TOBY: -Don't have to settle no gosh-damn score!   
CARMILLA: -Don’t have to settle no GODDAMN SCORE!

TOBY AND CARMILLA: Cause we all live under the reign, Of ONE KING!

(Laura huffs as she quickly climbs out as Carmilla apologizes for her potty mouth as Toby shyly gives her his number.)

CARMILLA: (waving to the guys as Laura rolls her eyes) You take care, guys.

TOBY: Bye, Claudia!

BANDMATES: Go with God!

LAURA: (waving as the van pulls away, muttering) This woman is responsible for, like, 50 prostitutes in a half dozen brothels across Styria.

CARMILLA: (chuckling as she waves as well) More like a hundred and fifty in a dozen brothels, easy.

LAURA: Yeah, but they loved you. Me? They are  _ praying for me _ in that passive-aggressive ‘fuck you’ kind of way.

CARMILLA: So you have to ask yourself, what is more righteous; engaging in harm reduction for humanity’s vices, or just reporting on them?

LAURA: You really believe you’re the good guy in all this?

CARMILLA: Nobody wants to be the villain in their own story, Creampuff. Deep down, I’m a lover, not a killer.

LAURA: Ah, yes, the romantic pimp. Wondered when we'd get to the  _ whitewashing of your crimes. _

CARMILLA: It would be so much easier to Simply paint me as the bad guy isn't it? Since the dawn of time, people have wanted to pay for sex. People also want the ability to escape issues in their life by using drugs. Just because you make something illegal, doesn't make it wrong and it  _ doesn't stop people from pursuing it.  _

(Laura huffs at that, silently admitting Carm is right)

CARMILLA: I'm glad that we have some countries now focusing on harm reduction and empowering people to make their own decisions concerning what they do with their bodies if it is not hurting other people.

(The pair of them make it towards the ferry to take them into Amsterdam)

LAURA: Okay, so you have to tell me, how did you get the Karnstein Crime Syndicate to turn legit?

CARMILLA: (grins) Oh now that’s the story  _ everyone  _ wants to know.

(Carmilla and Laura are in the ferry as she tousles her hair as the morning sun hits it, with an almost JJ Abrams lens flare going on)

CARMILLA: Back when I was a teenager, I knew the kind of business my family ran. In fact, I turned one of our spare houses into a halfway home for our girls in case they needed somewhere to go. The idea was to keep them clean and off drugs; to sell a better product, as it were. But sometimes men are trash and a John gets violent, you know? Well, this one girl wouldn’t report the assault since she was an immigrant and prostitution was illegal back then, and I really didn’t like the idea that the John was going to get away with it. 

CARMILLA: He was sweet on the girl and apologized; paid twice the going rate for her the next time. She didn’t make it; all because the laws would have put  _ her  _ in jail for a consensual business arrangement if she told the police that the guy was a violent douchebag.

LAURA: ...so what happened to him?

CARMILLA: Let’s just say  _ Karma visited him  _ like the Ghost of Christmas Past… if ghosts wore brass knuckles.

LAURA: Did you…?

CARMILLA: (shrug) Ask me again after the statute of limitations is up. So once that problem was squared away, I started to research the cost/benefit of how we were doing business. Suffice it to say, the ROI - uh, return on investment - would be much higher if we could get the taxpayers to subsidize our security with local police forces rather than making a massive network of smuggling and paying off the local police. Once you make a cop dirty, you have no way of knowing he’ll sell you out to a competitor. 

LAURA: Which is why you lobbied to legalize prostitution, but what about the other issues? Drugs, gun running?

CARMILLA: We only needed the money and the guns to protect the drugs and our territory for the working girls. So all that was left was to shift the public perception on drugs to be a health issue instead of a criminal one. 

LAURA: (nods in understanding) ...which explains the Morgan Drug Rehab Centers.

CARMILLA: Our competitors didn’t have a plan in place for when legal brothels and rehab centers dried up their income overnight; making them fight for scraps as we secured the licenses to operate openly and have needle exchanges reduce the chance of fatalities. We had healthier clients trying to get clean, and taxpayer money coming into our coffers that would put our competitors out of business.

LAURA: (reluctant awe) That’s…  _ inspired. _

CARMILLA: So when you do decide to make your little expose on my family’s business, in hopes to shut us down, know that you’re throwing addicts out of rehab and putting working girls back on the street without the legal protection a  _ legitimate business  _ has. 

LAURA: Yeah, but… not everything you did was on the up and up.

CARMILLA: Oh, come on, Laura. When’s the last time you paid rent on my safe house? Nevermind the years of free gifts mother sent your way.

(Ferry stops and the pair of them get off, Laura feeling much more insecure in her moral standing.)


	9. EPISODE NINE: An Insurmountable Storm of Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Varbanov Russian Crime Family is an idea borrowed from One Step Left... I seem to be making my own little universe with references and overlaps, and I kinda like it.

(They make it safely to an odd looking house that’s at the end of an alley, and as Carmilla reaches to press the doorbell, Laura slaps her hand away and leads the pair of them to the back side and to knock on the back door instead.)

PERRY: Who’s there?

LAURA: It is I.

(Carmilla looks to Laura in a ‘WTF?’ way, but Laura waves her off.)

PERRY: OMG LAURA!

(Door opens up to a frazzled but excited Perry, wearing an apron and holding a tray of cookies as she resumes her work in the kitchen as Laura and Carmilla enter.)

LAURA: Hey, can we crash here for a few hours; shower up and such? Where’s LaF?

PERRY: Upstairs in their lab.

(Carmilla looks around the place and sees a photo from the wedding of Laura and Danny, with Perry and LaFontaine as the Maid of Honor and Best Person on either side.)

CARMILLA: Aww, that’s so cute; you look so happy there! And so is Agent Lawrence!

LAURA: (sighing) You still have that picture up?

LA FONTAINE: (Coming downstairs) It’s like the only good photo of the three of us.

CARMILLA: (in a slightly teasing/ribbing tone) So is Agent Lawrence the only girl in your life you took a photo with?

LAURA: (tries to glare, but it looks more playful than spiteful) Yeah well I kinda got busy, and then dating went by the wayside. Anyways, hey LaF, good to run into you.

LA FONTAINE: By the way, you’ve been on the news, girl. Media is trying to spin it that you got kidnapped by the Princess of the Karnstein Empire.

LAURA: Oh, great. Well, Carm, we got four hours to get to the court, so let’s get cleaned up.

(Laura opens up her backpack and hands Carmilla the suit inside)

LAURA: That’s for court, so go change.

CARMILLA: (Nods, pointing to her leg) I’ll need to change this bandage and take a shower, alright?

PERRY: (Points at the stairs and turns her hand) Upstairs, and on the right.

(Carmilla goes upstairs while Laura pulls out her cell phone and calls Danny, who picks up immediately)

DANNY: (whispered) I’m in court, can’t talk, hold on.

(In the background we can hear the following conversation:  
_How can we allow Carmilla Karnstein's testimony?_   
_Lilita’s daughter will say anything to save her mother._   
_Lilita has no sweetheart deal. Her niece Matska Belmonde will go free, not her._ _  
The testimony will be allowed, assuming the witness is produced by 5:00 P. M.)_

DANNY: Laura, you two should be here by now.

LAURA: Yeah, we ran into a little trouble. Be there soon.

DANNY: The judge won’t give you any wiggle room, so you have less than four hours!

LAURA: Ugh, stop nagging, **_I know._ ** We’re cleaning up at Perry and LaFontaine’s place; and yeah, they still have our wedding photo up.

DANNY: (Pauses for a moment awkwardly) So… okay. Why are you calling me?

LAURA: Right. Well… I called because I… um.. I forgive you. (A beat.) Yeah. Feels like a weight off of my chest. I forgive you, Danny.

(Another beat)

DANNY: Are you _fucking kidding_ me?

LAURA: (Confused) What?

DANNY: You're **seriously** doing this now? No.

LAURA: What?

DANNY: And forgive me for what? _There's nothing to forgive!_

LAURA: (trying to backpedal) No, no, look, I meant that what happened between you and Mel-

DANNY: -Just get Karnstein here!

(Laura looks at her cell phone as Danny has abruptly hung up on her)

LAURA: (Screams in unintelligent frustration in the way that only an ex-wife can cause.)

LAURA: CARMILLA! HURRY UP!

(Laura doesn’t hear a response and goes upstairs, only to see the bathroom door open and Carmilla climbed out the window on the second floor, leaving the shower running.)

LAURA: FUCK!

(Laura moves in and turns off the water because of course she does, then runs downstairs and starts to search where in Amsterdam her quarry could have ran off to.)

[Cut to new scene: Laura’s eyeglass-cam picks up the trail of poorly-disguised hit men, only to spot the hot pink ‘1698’ snapback]

(Laura is now stalking Carmilla, using her Krav Maga skills to brutally and silently knock out all the guys who were laying in wait to spring a trap to stop and kill Carmilla as she passes by.)

LAURA: (whispering to herself for the glasses that are recording for posterity) That’s four now, who the heck is bankrolling this many henchmen to go after Carm? _And why is she being so stupid by running off in the middle of Amsterdam!_

(Laura sees the last guy in a dark suit, sunglasses, and running shoes put down the newspaper that he wasn’t actually reading and pull out a silenced Makarov pistol, standing and turning to shoot Carmilla in the back of the head)

LAURA: Fucking _Russians?_

(Laura fuses her Parkour and Krav Maga to kick out the shooter’s back knee out from under him, lifting herself up high enough to hook his face and nose into the crook of her elbow, suffocating and blinding him just long enough to disorient him to start to pull him down, letting go of his head just enough to palm his forehead and slam it into the ground to a satisfying crunching sound.)

LAURA: (ejecting the magazine and working the slide to chamber out the bullet automatically) .380 ammo? _I should have gotten the Glock 42…_ (Tosses the magazine away into some bushes and throws the gun into the nearby pond)

(The last henchman turned away from Carmilla at the sound of the cracked skull, eyes bugged out at the pool of blood from under his friend’s head, and ran off, apparently abandoning his mission to capture and/or kill Carmilla Karnstein.)

LAURA: Ooh, smart idiot.

(Looks and tracks Carmilla as she leaves hands the hat off to a toddler being held by a distracted mother, who puts the hat on his mom’s head as Carm turns off and makes her way into a small cemetery full of mausoleums.)

LAURA: What is she doing?

(Laura continues her way to follow Carmilla, uncertain how or where she got a small bouquet of lilies as Carm takes a knee and puts down the flowers, fingers tracing over the plaque.)

LAURA: Oh, Carm…

CARMILLA: Move aside.

(Laura moves closer and stands directly behind Carmilla and can read the name Elladora Ketteridge)

LAURA: Huh?

(Carmilla has a gun poking between her torso and her arm as she fires off two suppressed shots, making Laura spin in surprise as the final henchman had doubled back and was armed with another suppressed Makarov)

CARMILLA: The Russian arms that Mother’s supposedly smuggling. Pretty certain the Varbanov’s are bankrolling these guys.

(Laura’s eyebrow is arched as she strips the weapon, glad to see 9 mil ammo in this one)  

LAURA: You think? At least I have a few more bullets. (sighs) Couldn’t you just have had the flowers delivered?

CARMILLA: Needed to see her.

(Carmilla pulls out a photo of her with a stunning blonde, both covered in blood with a number of unconscious bikers behind them to show to Laura.)

CARMILLA: Ell understood me, and wasn’t scared like many others were. She deserves the personal touch.

LAURA: (impressed at the woman in the photo as she’s still holding a blood-soaked cue ball) She’s beautiful, but if I hadn’t followed you, you’d have gotten personally acquainted with the double-tap.

CARMILLA: Actually, I got that last one. But thanks for taking down the five in the park.

LAURA: You _knew_ they were there and you did nothing?

CARMILLA: Well, you rode in on the rescue before I could act, so I just let you do it. Why else would I wear that near-fluorescent hat?

(Laura frowns as she realizes she got played, then re-directs her attention to the Mausoleum.)

LAURA: Regular ‘working girls’ can’t afford a plot like this. She was your Miss Right, wasn’t she?

(Carmilla nods sadly, blinking away a tear)

CARMILLA: The John was a loan shark for Thomas Straka, who liked to party with drugs, get our girls hooked, and would more often than not get violent. After I used the brass knuckles to start an _unfair_ fist fight, he and Straka retaliated with a drive-by shooting; Ell didn’t make it. Mother and Will were initially shocked at plan to turn our business legit, but they humored me because I was mourning the loss of my first love.

LAURA: (soft gasp) Ell was… I’m so sorry.

CARMILLA: Yeah. That’s why I can tell you still love Danny.

LAURA: (Shrugs insecurely) It’s… complicated.

CARMILLA: Tell me something: The day you and Danny got married, judging by how happy you two were in that photo, how far would you go just to make her smile?

LAURA: Anything. I loved her, _trusted_ her. She ruined my big story by cheating on me. Case closed.

CARMILLA: Well, it doesn’t make sense for her to do that. So maybe you ought to give her a pass on this. (Laura looks at her incredulously) I mean, honestly, there's _not_ a lot of women that would put up with all... (gestures to all of Laura) ...yeah.

LAURA: (Sarcastically) That's so helpful; thank you.

CARMILLA: I mean, there's nobody else who will put up with you.

LAURA: Like that's better?

CARMILLA: You're an _annoying Creampuff_ by planning everything to death. I mean, if she can put up with chore wheels and scheduled fun time, she must be a pretty special girl.

LAURA: She is. So... I told her today that I forgive her.

CARMILLA: (Chortles) _Really?_ And how'd that go?

LAURA: Hard to tell; she asked if I was ‘fucking kidding’, but I don’t always get her sarcasm.

CARMILLA: (Blinks a few times as she tries to wrap her mind around this) You know, women don't like to be forgiven for shit 'cause that implies _they did something wrong to begin with_.

LAURA: You’re right. I should just forget about Callis.

CARMILLA: -What?

LAURA: Melanippe Callis. She was Danny’s ex; the one that Danny _cheated on me with_ while my big break story collapsed because my wife got **distracted**. (Looks to Carmilla, who looks to be biting her tongue) Something funny?

CARMILLA: (Laughs uproariously) **She** didn't distract Danny! **_I did!_ ** I was at the massage parlor Interpol was about to raid, and spotted Mel there. Lucky for me, Mel wanted a second chance and I needed the Interpol raid team tied up for a few minutes to get Vordenburg’s working girls to quit him and come work for us.

So for me it was a total win-win; kinda glad Mother took the time to bug all the furniture she gave you years ago so I could recognize her.

LAURA: (super livid, still kind of in shock) YOU-- SHE--- DID WHAT?

CARMILLA: The only way Mother and Mattie agreed to my plan was to have an unwitting plant in Interpol. And that you happened to be a reporter made the choice so much easier.

LAURA: (enraged) FUCK!

CARMILLA: (backing away, trying to talk her down) Hey, I thought you knew I nudged them together, but _Danny didn’t cheat on you_ that night. My little brother Will got some great recon photos of her doing her best to escort Mel out of the raid zone.

LAURA: What the fuck, Carm!

CARMILLA: Mother…

LAURA: NO. We're done!

(Laura gets up and begins to storm off, looking both ways in case of another henchman shows up.)

CARMILLA: (Starts to go after her) Oh, come on… that was over two years ago. You’re gonna hold that against me? What about the human trafficking operations we helped you catch?

LAURA: (Turns to Carmilla, angrily) I don’t care! You're on your own!

CARMILLA: (Snaps back at her) Fine! I'll _be safer_ on my own!

LAURA: You won't last an _hour_ without me!

CARMILLA: Yeah, yeah. I survived _just fine_ before you.

LAURA: Fuck you, Karnstein!

CARMILLA: You’re as useful as Plan B in a gay bar!

LAURA: EAT MY ASS!

CARMILLA: THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!

LAURA: SUCK IT!

CARMILLA: HE SAID THAT TOO!

LAURA: FUUUUUCK!

[END ACT TWO]


	10. EPISODE 10: This woman single-handedly RUINED the word "Creampuff."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write this entire fic just for this one line.

(Open to: Laura at an outdoor cafe, sitting at the bar and pouring her heart out to a barista who looks like Oaken the shopkeeper in Frozen. The glasses-camera angle is slightly upward, and the viewer can tell that she took the glasses off for a minute to relax and enjoy her brownie with a tall glass of milk.)

LAURA: (talking to her glasses) So I kinda forgot my backpack back at the mausoleum which had my laptop in there, along with a charging cord for my glasses (gestures to the camera) so I need to conserve power. Least I still have the Interpol radio I stole from my home.

(Laura looks up to the barista, lost in thought.)

LAURA: Where was I?

BARISTA: Um, about how prepared you were for the raid.

LAURA: Right. Every _possible scenario_ I had covered, every exit route, every... _possible angle_ .   
And she **_fucking ruins my life_ ** by just randomly bumping into my wife’s ex.

BARISTA: Why was she there?

(In the background, Carmilla is seen sneaking by only to get ambushed and shot at as everyone else begins to run around in panic. Laura throws her head back and rolls her eyes in frustration as the Barista smartly dives for cover. Carmilla evades the shooters as Interpol officers arrive and the stolen Interpol radio crackles to life)

_Shots fired! Shots fired!_

LAURA: (Shaking head in incredulity) _I hope they kill her. I really do._

BARISTA: Uh. Okay.

LAURA: Even if I did save her, AGAIN, you know what she'd say?

LAURA: She'd say, "I had it figured out before you intervened."

LAURA: She'd say, "I guess _my way_ is better than _planning stuff to death,_ Creampuff.”

LAURA: "I guess _bullets can only graze me,_ Creampuff."

(Laura takes a gulp of milk before slamming it down in anger.)

LAURA: This woman _single handedly_ **_RUINED_ ** the word "Creampuff."

BARISTA: You want a creampuff?

(Laura continues, not listening to Barista)

LAURA: Do you know how hard that is to do?

(Barista shakes his head no as he ducks at the sound of more gunshots in the distance)

LAURA: I was about to have my big break. _**ZNN** was there. _

(Gestures upward with her hand)

LAURA: I was up here.

(Hand shakes in rage as she lowers it)

LAURA: Now I’m... **here** _. And my big story is on the run getting shot at._

(Laura slams fist on the table as she realizes she has save Carmilla in order to save her career.)

LAURA: DAMN IT!

(Laura puts the glasses back on as she clips the radio into her suit jacket pocket and takes a deep breath and does some impromptu stretches before taking on Amsterdam to save Carmilla.)

(Laura’s breath gets a little louder and more forced as she is running and has her hand up, planning out her next steps as she does a speed vault over a low brick obstacle before jumping up and running along the top of the brick line, passing up the crowded sidewalk where people were scurrying away from the sound of gunshots and Interpol vehicles speeding to the scene with their sirens and lights on.)

(Laura sees a taller building and begins to scale it, using her forward momentum to push herself up as she finds grab points as she spider-monkeys her way to the top, cutting corners as she is now running over the rooftops and takes a more direct route, having to jump from rooftop to rooftop, either landing with a PK roll or taking the jump in a full stride.)

(The gunshots get louder as Laura turns and jumps off of the roof, lands with both feet square on a low-lying brick wall before dissipating the force of her momentum by dropping into a shoulder roll in  the grass as she locks her eyes on a henchman, who was busy putting away his gun and grabbing for his helmet before getting on his motorcycle. She executes a thief vault to get over the short wall, barrelling towards the gunman at full speed, doing a modified pop vault to get up and over the motorcycle, punching him in the head her the right fist while pulling the helmet away with her left, put her right leg over his shoulder, swinging her left hand holding the helmet wide to shove her momentum sharply clockwise as she brings her left leg over his other shoulder, crossing and locking her ankles to cut off his air supply while taking him down in a flying scissor leg takedown just like she were the Black Widow.)

(Laura gets up and realizes that the guy’s neck snapped when she landed as a mother who is crouched protectively with her children are shocked at the violence before them. The children, however, are looking at Laura in amazement. She takes the time to put on the helmet and strip his gun of bullets and pockets them as she gets onto the motorcycle.)

LAURA: He’s uh… really tired and going to take a nap, okay?

(The children shake their heads, not believing her.)

GIRL: He’s leaking. (points to a pool of blood coming from under his skull)

LAURA: Um… yeah. Guys do that when they sleep. Gotta go, and always wear a helmet!

(Laura starts and takes off on the motorcycle, cringing at what just happened when she sees a pair of black sedans with henchmen leaning out of the windows with Heckler & Koch MP5K’s pointed towards Carmilla.)

LAURA: Aww, crap!

(Laura pulls out her Glock 43 and swerves to the driver side of the second car, firing to kill the shooters and then the driver, putting away the Glock as she fumbles and pulls the MP5K out of the dead shooter’s hand as the vehicle coasts to a slow crash. The lead henchmen car speeds up as the shooters are now aware of her, but the MP5 is full-auto and has a full magazine to take care of them.)

(This lead car swerves and Laura has to cut sideways quickly, firing directly into the driver’s head as he was trying to run her off of the road. She tags him a few times, making the car veer back towards the riverwalk and fall in, making her stop and notice that Carmilla was driving a speedboat in the Amstel river.)

(Carmilla turns to see Laura, and lowers her weapon as she laughs and waves her thanks.)

CARMILLA: (Playfully) I COULD HAVE HAD THEM!

(Laura is giddy from the stress of the moment, mixed with the adrenaline rush of taking down two cars filled with henchmen.)

LAURA: THAT’S THIRTEEN TO ONE, KARNSTEIN!

(Laura looks up and sees a guy pulling an RPG out of what seems to be a large musical instrument case.)

LAURA: SHIT!

(Laura starts to point the MP5, realizes he’s too far and it’s unsafe to fire at this distance as she revs the motorcycle and speeds towards the guy, swerving between cars and crossing the pedestrian bridge, leaning into the turn as she points the MP5 and pulls the trigger, clicking empty after two rounds. She instinctively uses the weapon as a club, clocking the back of his skull with the front grip, knocking him and the rocket propelled grenade launcher into the river.)

CARMILLA: BEHIND YOU!

(Laura turns in time to see a woman jab her with a stun baton, knocking her over as she gets loaded into a grey windowless van that speeds off.)

THEO: Laura Hollis, at last we meet.

[END EPISODE]


	11. EPISODE 11: All is Lost

(Open to: Laura bound and gettin’ tortured.)

THEO: Callis, go handle things at the courthouse. I’ll keep our guest… entertained.

(Laura opens her eyes to see two henchmen trying to pull the helmet off)

LAURA: The helmet won’t come off without the glasses first, you gotta…

(Henchmen still struggle until Theo pulls the glasses off and unclips the helmet, putting the glasses back on once the helmet is off.)

THEO: Better?

LAURA: Um, yeah. Thanks, I guess?

THEO: Now. Where is Carmilla?

LAURA: Did you check my pocket?

(Henchmen slaps her)

LAURA: (wincing) Come on, that’s nowhere near enough for me to safe word yet.

THEO: I’ll ask you one more time,  _ polite _ . Where is Karnstein?

LAURA: (Sarcastically) I’d honestly tell you if I knew. But she and I aren’t together right now, so I have no idea.

(Henchmen grab torture equipment and Laura turns her head to see the towel and gallon jug of water.)

LAURA: Oh, waterboarding? Really? You think that’s going to scare me?  _ I’ve been married. _

(Theo straps head in place and puts the towel over her head, making her panic as water starts to splash onto the towel, pressing down against her face.)

LAURA: (Panicked) Okay, Hey, hey, no… wait wait wait….

THEO: (Pulls towel up) Ready to talk?

LAURA: Yeah, just um… you have  _ some spinach or something… _ between your teeth. Really distracting.

(Theo runs his tongue over his teeth, wondering if she’s right before turning to put the towel back on her head.)

THEO: (to henchmen) Pour.

LAURA: (Forced calm) Yeah, you’re forgetting the key to interrogation… you’re supposed to establish a _rapport_ with with me. Make me like you, okay? (Rushed, panic rising as the towel comes back in place) Make me like you! _I don’t like this!_ **I DON’T LIKE THIS!!**

(Water pours over the towel, running over Laura’s face as she fights the sensation of drowning as she holds her breath, fighting to turn her head at all and whimpering in a heartrending manner until the water stops.)

LAURA: (Gasping for air, trembling in shock and fear.) I- uh-uh… 

THEO: (Pulling towel off and loosening the strap pinning down her head.) Where. Is. Karnstein?

(Laura turns her head away from the towel and water instinctively, eyes locking onto Carmilla, taking a knee and lining up her shots with the silenced pistol.)

LAURA: (Half panicked, half sarcastic) Uh, she’s right behind you. Cross my heart, hope to stay dry.

(Carmilla pulls the trigger, two bullets killing the first henchmen as the other lunges at her to attack, while Theo looks around, pulls out his phone, and makes a call while running away.)

LAURA: He’s calling for backup-

CARMILLA: (Struggling) Kinda busy, Creampuff. 

(The scuffle between the remaining henchman and Carmilla turns into a scrappy brawl after he knocks the gun out of her hand and they are grabbing whatever is nearby to hit or throw at each other as they both are also trying to go for the gun. The henchman gets his hand on the gun as Carmilla has a knife buried just below his wrist, bleeding profusely as he can no longer hold the gun and is too busy screaming in pain to continue fighting.)

CARMILLA: (Taking back her pistol and doing a double-tap to his head.) Ten to Thirteen, Laura. You didn’t count the three hitmen on the country road.

LAURA: (Relieved but still breathing hard from panic.) Okay yeah, sorry. Still in the lead.

(Carmilla pulls the knife out and cuts Laura free.) 

LAURA: How did you know?

CARMILLA: Your glasses feed was on the laptop. You going to be good?

(Laura sits up, gets off of the torture table she was on, and goes to hug Carmilla as she’s shaking.)

LAURA: No. I’m SO not alright right now.  _ Spider-Man isn’t supposed to save Deadpool. _

(They end the hug, and Laura starts to limp her way with Carmilla out of the torture chamber as they make their way to what must be a car that Carmilla had stolen that’s parked illegally on the curb.)

CARMILLA: Hold on, you’re the plucky reporter and I’m a criminal antiheroine. Doesn’t that make you Spider-Man and me Deadpool?

LAURA: (shakes head) Fuck that; I cuss too much and do parkour. Besides, you shoot web from your hands. That was webbing, right? 

CARMILLA: Yeah; nine mil webbing. All the bad guys are sleeping off that fight because I’m just such a good crime fighter like that Bruce Wayne Badman chap.

LAURA: See? You’re totally Spider-Man. I’d have just shot them. (Hysterical giggling slips out, she’s really traumatized.)

(Carmilla pauses and Laura turns to look at her, and you can feel the mood change between them.)

CARMILLA: Hey, so… I wanna apologize about ruining your big break story. It know it even cost you your marriage and that you’ve been writing crap articles just to make ends meet-

LAURA: -No, no… it was my fault. I was a workaholic, only seeing Danny when I could use her to build my own career. 

CARMILLA: You can’t blame yourself; she used you too. Life just happens.

LAURA: Yeah, a life without Danny.

CARMILLA: Hey, you never know. You might fix things.

(The pair of them get into the car and Carmilla starts the engine and pulls them away.)

CARMILLA: So how did you two meet?

LAURA: That’s not in your mafia files on me?

CARMILLA: It’s pretty sketchy there; and I’m curious.

LAURA: Well, okay. I was at a Vordenberg wedding, where I secured my plus one status by strategically flirting with the single Vincent Vordenberg at his favorite bar. Danny was part of an Interpol team there as the servers taking around the Hors D'oeuvres, and her being a redhead over six feet  _ kinda  _ made her stand out.

CARMILLA: I bet.

LAURA: And, of course, Vinney was like “oh Redheads are my weakness” and I  _ may have  _ been staring a moment too long, because he caught on that I liked her and he  _ of course  _ expected a threesome to happen. 

LAURA: So Interpol was planning to do a raid. At the reception.

CARMILLA: (Scoffs) Oh don’t tell me-

LAURA: (Nodding in humor) -yeap, after everyone is hyped up and drunk at the reception. So I’m dancing on the dance floor with Vinney, learning the names to the faces of the Vordenberg Crime Family, and whatever intel he’s letting slip.

LAURA: Danny comes by with a platter of champagne flutes, and I’m blushing while trying to play it all cool. Vinney, of course, tries to get her to dance with him despite her being on duty with the drinks. And you know the hardest part about dancing while carrying concealed?

CARMILLA: He felt the gun.

LAURA: (Nods emphatically) He felt. The gun. So naturally he started to raise a stink and called his goons over, which made the undercover Interpol team all converge and it turned into a drunken brawl. While a lot of the guests were fleeing, I armed myself with a serving platter and a champagne bottle, which are much harder to break than you’re lead to believe. Anyways, the reserve teams had to come in and break it all up, botching the raid entirely  _ all because  _ Vinney wanted some girl-girl action.

CARMILLA: (Dripping with sarcasm) Leave it to Interpol to cockblock a skeevy dude.

LAURA: Yeah, and ruin months of planning to take down the entire Vordenberg crime family.

CARMILLA: See, though? That’s what I’m talking about! No matter how much planning you put in, sometimes stuff just happens. You just bumped into Danny, like I bumped into Mel. 

LAURA: Yeah, I guess… but why was she there then?

CARMILLA: Look, Creampuff, there isn’t always going to be a cut and dry answer to-

LAURA: -I’m a reporter. That means I investigate, in order to find the ans-

CARMILLA: -life sometimes just _ gives you lemons, _ okay? You don’t need a deeper truth for that, you just go on your way and make some lemonade.

(A beat as Laura seems to deflate)

LAURA: I should've told Danny.

CARMILLA: Told her what?

LAURA: That I’ve been stupid.

CARMILLA: Been? As in past tense?

LAURA: (eyeroll) Hardy-har-har. (Another beat.) Hey... what if I said I don’t think I can protect you all the way to the courthouse?

CARMILLA: (scoffs) I'd say you're right.

LAURA: We don’t have to do this; we could just… keep running.

CARMILLA: No way. I gotta give you that big story I stole from you years ago. The guilt is killing me.

LAURA: Really?

CARMILLA: Kinda. But Creampuff, I gotta go. Mother is depending on me to get Mattie out.

LAURA: What aren’t you saying?

CARMILLA: We can’t always save everyone, Laura.

(Laura looks at Carmilla as if in a new light, before mentally shaking it off and pulling out her phone.) 

LAURA: I’m calling Danny, okay?

(Carmilla nods as Laura dials)

DANNY: (on phone) Hello? 

LAURA: Hey. 

DANNY: Laura, where are you?

LAURA: We're a couple minutes out. Look. I wanna tell you that I'm sorry. I wanna say that I'm sorry for, um, for everything. For the brothel raid, us, it's all my fault. You know, I act like a… I act like a fucking child around you. I can't admit that it's my fault, and I project that onto you, and, you know, that's not fair. You deserve better than that.

DANNY: Why are you telling me this now?

LAURA: Well, under the circumstances, it seemed like a good time.

CARMILLA: Hey Laura, we got company.

DANNY: Huh?

(Car speeds up as Carmilla checks the mirrors a bit more often, trying to lose the trailing car.)

CARMILLA: Let's go!

LAURA: Danny… I just want to say that…

CARMILLA: (Looks at Laura while saying it, nodding with emphasis) I. Love. You.

(Laura sees Carmilla furrow her brows in a questioning manner, finding herself unable to tell Danny those three simple words. Carmilla looks back up at the road in time for the car to crash into a divider, causing Laura to fly out of the passenger seat, dislodge the windshield and send it flying as well, leaving Laura’s parkour skills to take over as she rolls on the ground to dissipate the momentum, springing up and feeling bewildered at how all that just happened.)

LAURA: **HOLY CRAP!** _Really?_

(Carmilla looks back at Laura, equally bewildered)

CARMILLA:  _ What happened to the seatbelt rule? _

LAURA: Fuck!

(Honking is heard as cars move around Laura and gunfire ensues, making her flee for cover, reaching for the gun in her holster but realizing it fell out.)

DANNY: Laura?

CARMILLA: (Looking before the gunshots resume) Laura?! 

DANNY: -Who’s this? Hello?

CARMILLA: Oh Agent Lawrence, let me put you on speaker.

DANNY: What happened to Laura?

CARMILLA: She, uh, had to bounce.  You know, she really cares about you. She has a hard time admitting to her own emotions and fault. But one thing she figured out, is that she really loves you.

(Carmilla sees a gunman going after where Laura is hiding and Carm shoots them from the driver’s seat.)

DANNY: ...are you in the middle of something?

CARMILLA: Actually… uh yeah, I am.

DANNY: Look, I'll call you back.

CARMILLA: LAURA, I’LL LURE THEM AWAY!

(Line goes dead as bullets hit the car and Carmilla pulls away, the shooter’s car following her as Laura flees in a different direction to get on the subway.)

[END EPISODE]


	12. EPISODE 12: Testimony

[OPEN EPISODE TO: Carmilla is on another epic car chase while Laura parkours her way through a subway station, does a lazy vault over the turnstile, dodging and weaving through the crowd so as to avoid giving any henchmen a clear shot at her.]

(Laura sees the railing going down the stairwell and does a dash vault, landing with both feet and taking the momentum into a roll as she cuts left, breath heaving loudly into the glasses-cam as she dodges into a subway car and runs down the length of it, turning to see her pursuers also get onto the subway and continue to give chase.)

LAURA: Good idiots, keep coming.

(As Laura passes up a bicycle, she pulls it to block the path behind her and hopes that it trips up the henchmen as she cuts left in the last subway car and gets out as the doors close and the subway takes off, letting Laura breathe a sigh of relief as she turns and realizes that she’s lost them for now.)

LAURA: Okay, Hollis. Courthouse.

(Laura keeps running, going up the next set of stairs and made it to the street level, only to see more henchmen find her and start to chase after her, making her turn and begin to run into a restaurant and makes her way through the double doors to the food prep area, concealing herself behind the door with a large rolling pin. As the henchmen start to come through the doorway, she uses her free hand to knock the gun away from her while hitting him in the head with the rolling pin, swinging the pin again to knock the gun out of his hand and put him in a headlock. As she hears the other henchman coming, she tightens the headlock and drops down quickly with a twist, snapping the guy’s neck and grabbing his pistol from the ground, shooting the second guy dead. At the sound of a third thug coming after her, and the pistol clicking empty, she turns and throws it at the large window at the end of the kitchen, breaking it open and making her escape down the sidewalk.)

(Laura dodges into what appears to be a construction zone and runs through it, finding herself inside of a home improvement store, breathing hard and trying to not panic as she reaches for a hatchet and hides behind the doorway again. As the guy comes after her, she swings hard and the hatchet breaks from the handle, having buried deep into the guy’s bulletproof vest. Panicked, she uses the splintered end of the wood as a stake, running it under and through the man’s chin, killing him.)

LAURA: (bent over, trying to breathe and tamp down the panic and sees the scared shopkeeper looking on in horror) Um, he was a bad man. I’ll pay for damages later. Tell the restaurant next door, too. Okay?

SHOPKEEPER: Uh, okay… who are you?

(Laura looks out the window to see Carmilla pulling up and blowing the horn, her car missing the driver’s door and looking like it survived a demolition derby with all of the windows broken and riddled with gunshots.)

LAURA: ...Carmilla Karnstein.

CARMILLA: If you’re _done shopping,_ we gotta go! Tick, tock, Creampuff!

LAURA: (Mutters to herself) Bullets **do** only graze her. She’s fucking unkillable.

* * *

[CUT TO: Courthouse, Laura and Carmilla enter, looking bloody, ragged, but determined.]

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, this has been a complete waste of our time. The defense has no witness to present.

(Carmilla and Laura enter, earning gasps from the judge and the people assembled. Laura finds Danny and takes a seat beside her, with Mel on the other side.)

DEFENSE: Your honor, I present Carmilla Karnstein.

CARMILLA: (To Mother) How do I look?

LILITA: (Giving that motherly look of resignation, incredulity, and pride) You got a little bit of blood on your… well, everywhere.

JUDGE: Will the defense please prepare their witness.

LAURA: Hi.

DANNY: Gods, are you okay?

LAURA: Yeah. There's your witness.

DANNY: Thank you… wait, are you wearing the.. (points to glasses)

LAURA: Yeah. I got my big story. (grin) By the way, bumping into you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

COURT CLERK: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

CARMILLA: Yeah.

PROSECUTOR: Your name is Carmilla Karnstein?

CARMILLA: Was. My married name is Carmilla Ketteridge.

CARMILLA: I was eighteen when I fell in love with a runaway; an illegal immigrant who was practicing the world’s oldest profession. Back then prostitution was illegal and we worked as protection for the sex workers in our territory, even if they could handle themselves against a gang of bikers who think they can get a freebie. (soft chuckle)

CARMILLA: Of course, Elladora had a favored client, a loan shark for the Strakas who had a penchant for drug use and liked getting them addicted so they were easier to control. I intervened with a pair of brass knuckles, which lead to the peaking of gang violence known as the Scourge of 2010.

CARMILLA: It was right after Elladora and I eloped that she was killed in a drive-by ordered by Thomas Straka. Mother was apoplectic when she found out we had married, but understood that I was truly in love. Her death was what inspired me to push for us to go legit, and get sex work legalized.

LAURA: (gasps) Oh my god… that was her.

PROSECUTOR: I'm sorry, I didn't…

CARMILLA: That's all right. Can't research everything.

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Ketteridge, your mother has been associated with illegal prostitution rings, drug dealing, and smuggling weapons.

CARMILLA: First off, we got sex work legalized in Styria, mostly due lobbying government representatives as permitted by law.

PROSECUTOR: So you admit you profit off of prostitution?

CARMILLA: Studies have shown that legalization of sex work has a decrease of risk associated with the sex workers, **_provided_ ** that law enforcement finds and cracks down on human traffickers who seek to make a profit by employing girls, _and I do mean under-age girls,_ illegally within a legal brothel.

CARMILLA: That's where Mother's part of the plan came in; we needed the streets cleaned up and have a pawn in place to knock out the worst crime families who would seek to destroy the progress I was advocating for. (Turns to Laura) _Sorry, Laura._

CARMILLA: See, if we really want to stop trafficking and commercial sexual exploitation, we need the government to address the systemic problems that make women and girls vulnerable to this: poverty, childhood sexual abuse, drug addiction, and the lack of educational and employment opportunities.

CARMILLA: Which is _exactly_ what the Morgan Rehabilitation Centers have been doing; we aren't grooming women to come work in our brothels, but to empower them to seek work wherever they want. I can guarantee you right now that all of the women who are working in our brothels have consented of their own volition, are paid _staggeringly well,_ and are free of substance abuse.

CARMILLA: You can't get that by criminalizing sex work; which only fuels the violence and sex trafficking.

PROSECUTOR: And you mean to tell the court today that the Karnstein Crime Family did all of this _because of a_ **_dead whore_ ** _?_ I’m not that naive; I’ve seen the tax forms prove how much your family has profited off of _women selling their bodies_.

CARMILLA: (furious) **_Don’t you EVER call Ell that again._ **

PROSECUTOR: Why? Your wife was whor-

JUDGE: **-the only charge** Lilita Morgan faces today is arms smuggling for terrorist organizations. Try to stay on point.

PROSECUTOR: (Clears throat in frustration) Ms. Ketteridge, were you ever in the employ of Vladislav Varbanov?

CARMILLA: Hell no.

PROSECUTOR: Have you ever met Vladislav?

CARMILLA: Yes. April 17, 2012, he invited me to his palace.

PROSECUTOR: Did he offer you employment then?

CARMILLA: Yes, he did. He wanted me to run guns through our brothels to arm the IRA. I refused.

PROSECUTOR: Why?

CARMILLA: Because that’s not my scene. Also, while I was there, he ordered his men to double the girls being trafficked into sexual slavery. I'm against that at all costs.

PROSECUTOR: And you have evidence to corroborate this?

CARMILLA: Yeah. Go to ftp site Raven-394. Exhibit 13-D, palace security logs feed courtesy of my hacker Armitage.

COURT CLERK: Site confirmed. It's asking for a password.

CARMILLA: Password is “Artemis”.

(Steph Ouaknine and Danny’s jaws drop as the security feed confirms what Carmilla said, realizing that their case was falling apart.)

CARMILLA: What? I wasn't gonna trust Interpol with this. Now pull up 13-J; this one will really shock you.

(Video feed beings inside of Laura and Danny’s former house where Mel was talking to Will Karnstein.)

_MEL: My wife Danny and her Interpol team are going to be busy chasing their own tail today, leaving your arms deal with Vladislav free to proceed._

_WILL: Good, soon as I have that money, we’ll get your cousin Theo Straka back in business by banning the brothels. We’ve lost too much money doing everything Carmilla’s way._

_MEL: I better get my cut of this deal; lopping off the matriarch of the Karnstein Family for you to take over and ally with us is one thing, but having to marry and live with Danny FUCKING Lawrence for three years?_

_WILL: You’ll get your share, my love. (They kiss.)_

(Video cuts out as Will rips Mel's blouse off, appearing as if they are about to have sex.)

DANNY: Mel?!

LAURA: What the fuck...

(The court gasps in surprise as the Judge bangs her gavel repeatedly.)

JUDGE: Order! Order! I will have order in the court!

(Laura turns to Danny, who turns and sees Mel checking her phone and leaving the courtroom.)

WILL: Your honor, I could save us all some time. May I address the court?

JUDGE: (nodding) Um, this is irregular, but... you do realize what you say can incriminate you?

WILL: For weeks, I have been sitting in this _ludicrous charade_ . I was hoping for the legitimacy of a formal conviction of my mother, but that is no longer possible. (Sarcastically) _Thank you, Carmilla._

LAURA: (Whispered) Danny, Will has to have an exit plan! Go stop it! 

(Danny leaves the courtroom, giving chase to her traitorous wife.)

CARMILLA: (Flipping him off) Right here, little brother.

LILITA: **You sold out family!**

WILL: So, let's end the charade. The charges against Lilita should be against me, as I am the _rightful leader_ of the Karnstein Crime Family! For too long, _weak women_ have been in charge, but I will now run the family business, _as I wish,_ without _apology_ or _deference to the law._

JUDGE: Mr. Karnstein! Sit Down! ORDER!

WILL: And I recognize _no authority,_ not from _any bitch_ who thinks she can tell ME what to do!

(A MASSIVE EXPLOSION rocks the courtroom, surprising everyone as Will elbows and disarms one of the court bailiffs, drawing down on Carmilla.)

(Laura sees the shot about to happen, jumping in the way and tackling Carmilla to safety as a bullet goes through her tricep, making her grunt in pain.) 

LAURA: (Strained) Just my luck it would miss the bullet resistant panels... 

(Carmilla is grinning in surprise at not getting shot, but realizes that Laura is freely bleeding WAY too much...)

CARMILLA: Fuck, he hit an artery! (yelling) MEDIC! I NEED MEDICAL ASSISTANCE HERE!

STEPH: LOCKDOWN! LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL NOW!

[FADE TO BLACK. END EPISODE]


	13. EPISODE 13: Posterity can bite me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a blast writing this, and it was quite the challenge to keep myself in a script format. Finally getting back to Black: the 50 flavors prequel from Carmilla's POV

[Episode opens with Carmilla kneeling over Laura, panic rising as Laura is pulling her tie off and struggling to untie it.]

LAURA: (Muttering to self while wincing) Damn shooting arm, too...

(Lilita kneels next to Laura, who is now trying to her teeth and left hand to make a tourniquet on her right arm. Lilita understands and takes over, binding the arm as Laura sighs in relief.)

LILITA: Miss Hollis, thank you so much for protecting my daughter. If there is any way I can repay-

LAURA: -to be fair, it was a really nice house. And I’m **_so_ ** going to report on this story.

CARMILLA: Stay with me Laura, oh, I'm so sorry...

(Laura notices that Carmilla called her by her name and not ‘Creampuff’, which manages to put a smile onto her face.)

LAURA: Hey now... we were hardcore. _We don't apologize for the hardcore._

CARMILLA: (nods, chuckling in panic) Okay… you’re hardcore. Don’t do that again.

LAURA: (gasps in pain as the shock starts to wear off.) Carm, I know he's your brother and all but-

CARMILLA: **-He's no longer family.** (Mutters to Lilita) _She is, though._

(Lilita notices the exchange between the two of them, smiling as her motherly intuition recognizes the chemistry between them.)

LAURA: Good. Kick his ass.

(Laura hands carmilla a second pair of eyeglasses.)

LAURA: For posterity…

CARMILLA: (chuckling) You're killing me Hollis. (puts on glasses)

LAURA: (finally notices Lilita has been freed from her handcuffs) Hey, weren’t you handcuffed?

LILITA: Karnstein trade secret: handcuff key stashed behind the underwire. Also, welcome to the family.

LAURA: Huh?

* * *

[CARMILLA POV]

(Carmilla is chasing after Will, who keeps firing randomly behind him in order to slow her down as she has to dive for cover.)

CARMILLA: (To self) Laura, you better be grateful for this shit. Also, you gotta teach me that parkour stuff you do.

(They take a few winding turns as he’s trying to double back to either lose her or get the drop on her, and they pass by Danny and Mel in a brutal fist fight with each other, a fight in which Danny is about to win.)

DANNY: **_HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!_ **

MEL: It was a job, one that _didn’t pay enough._

WILL: THEO!

(Carmilla stops suddenly, realizing Theo was facing her and had his gun drawn down towards her before pointing it at Agent Lawrence.)

CARMILLA: **DANNY!**

(Carmilla doesn’t get her gun trained in time as a gunshot goes off in the hallway, dropping Theo Straka dead. It takes her a second moment to realize that Laura had made the shot from just outside the courtroom. Mel takes that split second to sweep the Interpol agent to the ground, stunning her momentarily, and attempts to escape. Lilita catches up to Laura, helping her sit down next to a paramedic before taking her glasses for herself.)

LILITA: **CARM, GET HIM!** **_The traitor is mine._ **

* * *

[LILITA POV]

(Lilita is running after Mel, much faster than you’d expect a woman in her late 40’s to be able to do as she is slowly closing the distance to her quarry.)

LILITA: (Almost in a snarl) All that cardio and running in prison is paying off…

(Mel turns a sharp corner where two of Theo’s henchmen are waiting and take a swing at her. Lilita dodges the blow as she snaps her belt off, using the length to wrap around the wrist, twisting her back to him and throwing him over her shoulder while taking a knee as a modified Judo throw. She unwraps the belt from the unconscious henchmen and swings the belt with speed, catching the other guy straight in the eye with the weighted buckle as Lilita was holding the other half of the weighted buckle in her hand.)

LILITA: MEL!

(Lilita keeps chasing after Danny’s wife as she seems to snap one of the two ends of the weighted buckle, revealing that the belt was actually a mini bola as she catches up with Mel Callis, spinning overhead and throwing the bola at her target’s ankles, wrapping around with a meaty clunk and tripping her down to the ground, smashing her nose into the floor. Lilita catches up and puts a knee in the woman’s back, using the handcuffs that she had been in to cuff her instead.)

LILITA: Aww, look what I caught. I really hope we get put in the same prison together.

(Lilita stands up, pulling Mel to her feet, looking for any police or Interpol agents.)

LILITA: HEY, WHAT’S A MOB BOSS GOTTA DO TO GET ARRESTED AROUND HERE?

* * *

[CARMILLA POV]

(Carmilla’s chase after Will ended on the roof of the building, where henchmen were dressed as paramedics carrying Styr Aug submachine guns. Carm got the drop on one of them by attacking them from behind in a bear hug, pulling the rifle upward and letting the surprised henchman’s trigger finger reflex do the rest of the work. Taking the rifle for herself, she could see her brother Will waving down the medical evacuation helicopter, the medics onboard were similarly armed and more than likely part of Will’s escape plan.)

(Carmilla took cover and used the scope setting, unleashing three round bursts at the tail rotor, hitting and bending the blade enough to make the helicopter unstable and lurch away from the building’s roof, giving Carmilla a clear shot at the pilot. The windshield was spattered red with blowback as the helicopter crashes behind Carmilla with a spectacular fireball, turning Will’s attention towards her, with her weapon drawn down on him.)

WILL: (Arms raised, confident that she won’t shoot him while unarmed) Hello, sis. Like our little family reunion?

CARMILLA: On the ledge. NOW.

WILL: (Scoffs) You wouldn’t.

(Carmilla takes a shot on the outside of his left thigh, mirroring the grazed shot that she suffered by the raid on the Interpol safehouse. Will collapses in shock and pain, eyes flashing anger at her.)

CARMILLA: I won’t ask again.

(Will struggles to sit up on the ledge before facing her with a sneer and derisive laughter.)

WILL: Oh, that _smug look_ on your face. You're so _proud;_ Carmilla Karnstein, the _heroine that saves the day._ None of this will matter; not the rebranding, not the legalization. There is _no redemption,_ no _atonement_ for people like us. Our lives have been _nothing_ but leaving a **trail of dead bodies in our wake,** and it’s about time you _grew up._ We were at our best before; **strong** . Now we’re a joke among the other crime families, because **_women cannot be ruthless._ **

WILL: (More resolved, stubbornly refusing to back down.) Go ahead! **Finish me!** But don't think for a moment this will change who we truly are.

(Carmilla stands there for a beat, before breaking out into laughter.)

CARMILLA: I don't give a _flying fuck_ about my reputation! **Your biggest mistake was to go after Laura.**

WILL: (Confused) _Who?_

(Carmilla kicks Will off of the ledge, _‘This is Sparta!’_ style, leaning over the edge and watching him fall to his death.)

CARMILLA: (To the glasses) Hey, uh, Creampuff, I hope you edit that last part out and, uh, make it seem more like justifiable self-defense.

* * *

[LAURA POV]

(Lilita is with Laura, holding her hand, and has apparently returned Laura’s glasses to her as Paramedics are stabilizing her with IV fluids and a professionally done bandage on her right arm. Carmilla makes her way to join the pair as Laura is on a stretcher and is waiting for an ambulance to arrive.)

LAURA: Okay, here's what I'm thinking: Celebrity reporter. Low stress, boy bands, not getting shot at by assassin teams… that will work, right?

CARMILLA: You’ll be bored without me, Creampuff.

LILITA: (calling out) HEY! STILL NEED TO GET ARRESTED OVER HERE! (mutters to them) _It’s like they don’t want me back behind bars._

(Director Ouaknine of Interpol arrives with Agent Danny Lawrence.)

STEPH: Ms. Morgan, thank you for apprehending our leak.

LILITA: Carmilla and I proved who was behind the arms deals, so will you honor our deal?

STEPH: (nods) You two definitely held up your end; we’ll get Mattie released today. (To Danny) Agent Lawrence, why don't you go find Ms. Morgan some handcuffs.

DANNY: With pleasure.

STEPH: You were right to trust your ex-wife, Laura. Between putting away multiple crime families, and stopping the arms deals and human trafficking, this more than makes up for your current wife being the leak. So overall, well done.

DANNY: Thank you, ma'am.

(Steph and Danny walk away, leaving Carmilla and Laura together as Lilita backs off a bit to give them some space.)

CARMILLA: You're welcome, by the way.

LAURA: For what?

CARMILLA: You seem to have a pretty good shot to get back with your ex-wife Danny. Redheads must be your weakness, to still want her after her new wife was putting hits out on us. (A beat.) Now I’m even more sorry for hooking them up together in the first place.

LAURA: (shakes head) Nah, that chapter’s over.

CARMILLA: Don’t be so sure; when you jumped out of the car, I kept talking to Danny on speakerphone.

LAURA: (astonished) I didn’t _jump_ out of the car, I flew through the _fucking windshield_ because you weren’t watching where you were going!

CARMILLA: Oh, semantics.

LAURA: _Semantics?_

CARMILLA: Yeah. Semantics. Another way of saying the same-

LAURA: (testily) -I know what the word means! I just don’t think you understand…

(Laura runs out of steam as her eyes linger in Carmilla’s gaze moment too long.)

CARMILLA: (breathily, as the sexual tension finally clicks into place) Laura…

LAURA: (Turns to Lilita, breaking the tension.) Hey, now’s your chance to run, Ms. Morgan.

LILITA: (Scoffs) Oh, call me Mother. Besides, once Mattie is free, I’ll just escape anyways.

LAURA: (chortles) You think it will just be that easy? Pretty certain you’re gonna need the layout of the prison, guard rotation shifts, any weak points you can exploit… can’t do that in one day.

LILITA: (shrugs) Oh, please. My way is _much better_ than planning stuff to death, Creampuff.

LAURA: (Rolling her eyes) Oh, god, _that’s_ where you get it from!

CARMILLA: (laughing) Like throwing that pebble at the brothel window to make Danny notice Mel right before the raid.

LAURA: A pebble? My big break was shattered because you threw… _a pebble?_  

CARMILLA: (miming the toss of a pebble) _Clink!_ Hey, Creampuff, show me the face you made when the massage parlor raid turned up _zilch_ for ZNN news.

LAURA: You know, that still gets under my skin...

CARMILLA: (Hint of flirting) You planned everything to a tee… and yet no plan in case you turned up bupkus.

LAURA: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I was totally expecting the Princess of Crime to _personally_ fuck up my marriage with someone on the Straka payroll.

CARMILLA: (dropping the pretense of ribbing her) Well, maybe it was doomed all along.

LAURA: Until someone else came along…

(Laura and Carmilla are holding hands, and they both are blushing as the Paramedic comes back to tell them the ambulance is here.)

CARMILLA: Oh, fuck it.

(Carmilla leans over to kiss Laura, who kisses back passionately before wincing in pain and the kiss ends as the stretcher is rolling away.)

[End Act Three]

* * *

[Credits begin to roll as “Love Will Have Its Sacrifices” play in the background.]

[Pre-credits scene opens to Laura Hollis in front of a high-security prison, police cars with lights flashing in the background.]

“ONE WEEK LATER”

LAURA: A worldwide notice was issued today for former Karnstein Mafia Matriarch Lilita Morgan, who escaped from this maximum-security prison. Though she orchestrated the legalization of prostitution, implemented drug rehabilitation centers, and shut down multiple other crime families that ran guns and sex trafficking rings, Morgan was convicted and serving time for her criminal enterprises and tax evasion before turning it into a legitimate business.

The notorious woman is almost _certainly armed_ and considered **extremely dangerous** … _if you’re a bad guy_. We’ll have more, as it develops. Laura Hollis, ZNN news.

CAMERAMAN: And we’re clear!

LAURA: (shaking her head) Took mother a whole week…

[fade to credits beginning]

* * *

[Mid-credits scene opens to a grinning Matska Belmonde in Paris, hot cocoa in one hand a phone in the other as she answers.]

“ONE YEAR LATER”

MATSKA: Baby cousin! Yeah, hold on.

[Camera pans to see Lilita in disguise, hair dyed red and curled, henna freckles added as well as she takes the phone.]

LILITA: Carmilla, to what do I owe the pleasure of a phone…

(Lilita faces Mattie and arches an eyebrow in an _‘I told you so’_ way)

LILITA: You’re proposing to marry Laura in the open sea, where extradition laws can’t touch me despite her dad being a detective? Of course we’ll be there! It’s not every day my little girl gets married!

(Lilita’s face falls as she hears the next part.)

LILITA: (scoffs) Hunting Somali Pirates is NOT a proper honeymoon! Do you both have a death wish-

(Lilita nods awkwardly, a corner of her mouth curling up as she’s impressed all the same.)

LILITA: Do I even want to know where you found privateers? Yeah, love you too, send my love to your fiance Laura…

(Lilita hands the phone back to Mattie, perplexed.)

MATSKA: Hey, you wanted her to settle down.

LILITA: I guess I should have been a _bit_ more specific.

[Fade to credits]


End file.
